


Two Halves of One Whole

by angstytimelord



Category: Crossing Lines
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Eventual Sex, Hospitalization, M/M, Nipple Play, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-21
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2017-12-24 06:22:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 30,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/936436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstytimelord/pseuds/angstytimelord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carl fell in love with Louis years ago. Now that Louis thinks he's lost everything, Carl is determined to show him that he still has someone who loves him unconditionally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Two Halves of One Whole

When had it all started to go so wrong?

Carl raised his head from his hands, looking over at the hospital bed where Louis lay. The other man was still unconscious; he hadn't woken since he had gotten out of surgery. But he was alive, and the prognosis was good. That was what mattered most.

Why had Louis felt the need to go rushing into danger the way he had? He should have known that he might not come out of such a situation alive. He should have waited for them, let the team back him up, let them all go in together.

He didn't need to ask why Louis had done such a reckless, foolhardy thing, Carl thought wryly. He knew. It had been happening more and more lately.

First Louis had lost his son, then his wife. He still blamed himself for both of their deaths; he probably would keep doing so for a long time. He wasn't going to let anyone in to help him assuage his grief; he was going to bear it all on his own shoulders.

Carl's lips firmed into a thin line at that thought.

He damn well wasn't going to let Louis throw his life away. He might try to do it again, but the next time, Carl would make sure that he he was there to stop him. He wasn't going to let Louis throw himself away. He was too good a man to waste his life.

He had tried talking to Louis. They all had. They had all given him the platitudes, the pep talks about how his life would go on, how Rebecca and Etienne would have wanted that for him. But Carl didn't think that anyone had gotten through. Louis wouldn't let them.

No, it was time for something akin to shock therapy. Something along the lines of what he had done years ago, when he and Louis had first known each other.

Louis hadn't expected it then, and he wouldn't expect it now. But if resurrecting the past out of the blue was the only way to get through to him and show him that he was still needed -- dammit, still _wanted_ \-- then Carl was more than willing to do so.

He was going to kiss Louis again. And this time, he wouldn't back off.

Fifteen years. It had been fifteen years since that first kiss; they had both been much younger then, and though he hadn't known it at the time, Louis had been going through a bad breakup. It had been terrible timing on his part.

He had told himself that the only thing he could do was back off -- and he had. He had backed off so far that Louis had fallen in love with someone else, and had married her. And Carl had been left to nurse his broken heart, unsure that Louis even knew how he felt.

He hadn't told Louis that he loved him. All he'd done was kiss him, without warning. That had been his first mistake. Even then, Louis hadn't liked surprises.

Finding out that Louis was nursing his own broken heart at the time hadn't made him feel any better. And finding out that the love affair Louis had been mourning the end of had been with a man ... .well, that had only driven the mistake home even more.

Now, they were older and wiser. And he wouldn't make that same mistake twice.

This time, he would let Louis know how he felt. He would confess his love, confess that those feelings had always been there, from the moment they had first met. He would apologize for the suddenness of that first kiss -- and then he would kiss Louis a second time.

He was going to break through those walls that Louis was so carefully building around himself. It was time for Major Daniel to stop living in the past.

No, it wouldn't be easy, Carl thought with a sigh. Louis was a damned stubborn man; once he made up his mind that something was best for him, he would stick to his guns. But he would never know if he didn't try, right? He had to at least make the effort.

If he didn't try to bring Louis out of the self-imposed shell he was trying to hide away in, then he would never know if the two of them could have had something. He had already spent fifteen years wondering. He wasn't going to keep wondering for the rest of his life.

He would shake Louis out of his complacency, no matter what he had to do.

Somehow, he would show Louis that the two of them were right for each other. He had felt that they were, all those years ago, the first time that Louis had shaken his hand and smiled at him. He had felt his heart turn back flips when he'd seen that smile.

Louis had only grown more handsome and more desirable with age, Carl thought, a soft smile tugging at his lips. When Louis had approached him about working for the ICC, he'd been struck by how the Major's very presence could still make his heart turn over.

He had tried to turn himself around for the ICC -- no, not for the team. For Louis. He had wanted to show the other man that he had been worthy of his trust and confidence.

More than anything, he had wanted to make Louis proud of him. He knew that Louis considered him a friend; maybe, just maybe, the other man might look at him as more than that. He didn't want to merely be Louis' friend. He wanted to be his lover.

That goal might be within reach, if he kept working at it.

Oh, he didn't intend to exploit Louis' grief. He would never do that. But really, it had been six months since Rebecca's death, over a year since Etienne's. Louis couldn't keep hiding himself in the past; he had to live his own life, not continue mourning two that had been lost.

But somehow, he would find a way to show Louis that he had to look to the future -- and that the two of them might possibly have a future together. He had always thought that could happen, if only he had chosen a better time to express his feelings in the past.

Kissing Louis hadn't been a mistake. The mistake had been not working up to that kiss, not telling Louis how he felt. He wouldn't make that mistake a second time.

They were two halves of one whole. Carl had felt that from the first; he had felt that Louis was attracted to him, that there was something building between them. But then, after that one kiss, everything had all gone to hell in a handbasket.

Genovese had shot him, and his life had spiraled out of control.

Louis had pulled him out of that downward spiral. Louis had saved him. Louis had cared enough to reach out to him, to give him a second chance. Louis had faith in him; he'd done more than anything else ever could to bring him back to life.

He owed Louis so much. He owed Louis _everything_. Louis had been his rock when he'd needed one to cling to during those first few difficult days of working with the ICC. Louis had been there, guiding him, helping him in a thousand small ways.

And he had failed Louis when he'd been needed the most. Carl lowered his head to his hands again, his face working as he swallowed a sob.

No. He wasn't going to cry. He'd been too close to that in the last twenty-four hours, wondering if Louis was going to live, if he would survive the surgery. But he had, and now it was time to look to the future -- their future, the one he wanted them to build together.

He was going to make this work. Somehow, he would convince Louis that it was right.

No matter what he had to do, he would manage to make Louis give the two of them a chance. He might have been hurt by that long-ago love affair, but it had been over for years. It was time for Louis to move on from that, too.

He wasn't the perfect man -- Carl was more than willing to acknowledge that fact. He was broken in so many ways. But he could be good for Louis, just as Louis was good for him. They could help each other heal. They could each be what the other needed.

He and Louis had always been two halves of the same whole, even if Louis wasn't aware of that yet. But he would be, Carl promised himself. He would be.

He raised his head again to look at the man lying in the hospital bed, pale and weak, but alive. This was only the first time he would keep watch over Louis, Carl told himself firmly. Only the first time he would be there for the man he loved so desperately.

As he watched, Louis' lashes fluttered. He was finally awakening.

Carl swallowed hard, quietly getting out of the chair and moving to the bed. He leaned over Louis, placing one hand on the other man's cheek. Slowly, carefully, he leaned down, hesitating for only a moment; then, he lowered his head to place a kiss on the soft lips of his sleeping beauty.


	2. Best of All I've Got

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From the first moment they met, Carl has always tried to give Louis the best of himself.

Carl didn't know what he had expected when he'd decided to kiss Louis; one thing he _hadn't_ expected was for the other man to kiss him back. He had thought that Louis would be startled, even angry, but not that he would be .... responsive.

Those soft lips moved under his, parting, drawing him in, inviting him. But he couldn't let himself accept that invitation; he wasn't going to take unfair advantage.

For a moment, just a moment, all he could think of was wrapping his arms around Louis and crushing that slender body against his own, taking what was offered and not thinking twice about it. But this wasn't the time or the place.

Carl pulled back slowly, watching as Louis' eyes fluttered open.

He had been mesmerized by those eyes from the first time he'd met the Frenchman. Icy blue, seemingly cold, but with a warmth in their depths that made him melt. Louis Daniel was anything but cold -- Carl knew that better than most people.

Louis tried to hide that vulnerability behind a sharpness that Carl didn't believe he felt. But few people chose to look behind those walls that Louis hid behind.

He had looked -- and then he hadn't been able to look away again. They might have been apart for a lot of years before he had come to work for the ICC, but he could still get behind those walls when Louis least expected him to.

That had always been one of his talents.

Carl wasn't sure that it was one of the reasons why Louis had asked him to work for this team, but if it was, then he would use that to his advantage now. He had to. Somehow, he had to pull Louis out of the miasma he was letting himself sink into.

If he wasn't letting hopelessness overtake him, then he would never have been put into this situation. He wouldn't have gone running into danger by himself; he would have let the team come with him, and he'd have had them for backup.

Instead, he had thrown himself into the path of danger, in an attempt to stop the pain that still assailed him. It couldn't go on. Not if he wanted to keep leading this team.

Carl wasn't sure that Louis still wanted that. But everyone else did.

"Welcome back to the world," he said softly, his lips so close to Louis' that he could feel the other man's warm breath on his skin. It would be so easy to kiss Louis again; all he would have to do was lean forward less than an inch, bow his head ....

With difficulty, Carl kept himself from doing that; instead, he simply stood there and gazed into those blue eyes, the eyes that had enthralled him at first sight.

"I am still here," Louis said with a soft sigh, his words heavy with regret. Carl had to resist the urge to grab his shoulders and shake him; he sounded as though he was sorry to wake up and realize that he was still a part of this world.

This wasn't the time for tough love, even though he felt that Louis could use some.

"Yeah, you are," Carl agreed, leaning back slightly to give Louis some breathing room. "I know you must be feeling pretty rough, but it'll get better. The doctors say you can go home tomorrow. I hope you're prepared to have me staying with you."

Louis' blue eyes opened wide at those words; he obviously hadn't expected them. Carl hadn't, either, but he knew that he was going to follow through on them. There was no way that he was going to let Louis stay in his apartment by himself while he recuperated.

And he certainly wasn't going back to work, either, Carl told himself grimly. In the state of mind he was in, that would be the worst thing for him.

Louis needed someone to take care of him; he'd needed that for a while now, but no one had stepped up to the plate and done it. Not even him, Carl thought with an inward sigh. Once again, he'd let the man he loved down without meaning to.

That was another mistake he wasn't going to make again.

"Yeah, you heard me right," Carl told him, his gaze meeting Louis'. "I'm going to stay with you for a while. I know you didn't ask me to, but you can't be alone right now, Louis. You have to know that. Everybody's worried about you, and we haven't done enough to help you."

Louis shook his head, sighing softly. "I am not a child, Carl," he pointed out. "I don't need help. I need to go back to work as soon as I can get out of here. There is far too much to do for me to be lying in bed like an invalid when I am perfectly fine."

Carl shook his head, a frown creasing his brow. "You're not 'perfectly fine' and you know it. Louis, stop trying to be strong. You don't always have to be a rock of Gibraltar."

"I am hardly that." Louis' lips twisted in a wry smile; Carl found his attention riveted to those lips, wanting to kiss Louis more than ever. But he had already done that once, and it didn't seem to have had the effect that he'd thought it would.

Louis barely seemed to have noticed.

His next words told Carl that wasn't true. "You kissed me," he murmured, raising a hand to his mouth, his fingertips moving over his lips. "That is twice that you have done that. And twice that I didn't expect it. Why do you keep kissing me, Carl?"

"You know why," Carl said softly, almost holding his breath. He had to force his next words out; it was hard to know exactly what to say. "You know how I feel about you."

"That was years ago," Louis said softly; this time, it was his turn to shake his head. "I would have thought that your affections had turned elsewhere by now. And I never really thought that there was more to that kiss than a momentary attraction."

"It was never momentary," Carl said, reaching out a hand to stroke gentle fingers through Louis' dark hair. "I was in love with you, Louis. I always have been. I just didn't know how to say it then, so I thought kissing you would get the point across."

Louis looked stunned by his words.

"In love with me?" he murmured, as though he couldn't believe what he had just heard. "How could you be? We never ..... I never encouraged you to feel that way." He looked down, apparently unable to meet Carl's gaze any longer. "I was not ready for that."

"I know you weren't, and I probably shouldn't have moved so fast," Carl admitted. "But I'm not going to apologize for kissing you, Louis. I'm not sorry for it."

Louis took a deep breath, those blue eyes meeting his once again. "Neither am I," he said quietly, raising one hand as though he was going to caress Carl's cheek before lowering it to the bed again with a soft sigh. "But the timing was not right."

Carl's heart filled; so Louis _had_ felt the same attraction.

"Louis, ever since I've known you, I've wanted to give you the best of all I've got," he said softly, taking the other man's hand in his and raising it to his lips. "But you didn't give me the chance. You ran away before I could let you know how I felt."

"I should not have run," Louis said softly, shaking his head. "I should have stayed and talked with you. But I .... I was so shocked when you kissed me. I did not know what else to do."

Carl nodded, wishing more than ever that he had chosen to do things differently so many years ago. Would it have changed anything? Would he and Louis have ended up together? Would they still be together? There were so many questions that would never have answers.

Maybe it was best not to look for those answers.

It was enough that they were here now, and that Louis wasn't pulling away from him. Of course, he really couldn't do that, Carl thought wryly. He was lying in a hospital bed, as weak as a kitten. There was nowhere that he could go.

Now was the time to tell Louis all that he meant to him, Carl thought. Swallowing hard, he began to speak hesitantly, feeling his way along with each word.

"You've always had the best of everything I am," he said softly, stroking Louis' dark hair back from his face. "Always, Louis. Even when I first started working with this team and I wasn't functioning on the best level, I still tried to give you the best I could."

Louis nodded, a small smile on his lips. "I know you did. I do not question that."

"But I .... I want to show you that you've always had the best of me," Carl continued, wishing that he knew of a better way to phrase his feelings. He couldn't simply come right out and tell Louis that he loved him. Could he? No, it would be too sudden, too abrupt.

"You need somebody to stay with you, to make sure that you're doing okay," he finally managed to say. "I know you don't want it, but you need it. And that person should be me."

Louis looked obstinate for a moment, then that look faded away and he nodded, albeit a bit reluctantly. "I suppose you are right," he said with a sigh. "I feel far too weak to take care of myself. And I do not think that is going to resolve itself in a few days."

Carl sighed with relief. Louis had agreed to his plan.

Now he just had to wait until Louis was released from the hospital -- and then he could show the other man how indispensable he could be in Louis' life. He could start to build their relationship, just as he'd wanted to do so long ago.

"Then I guess we'll go home as soon as the doctors agree that you can leave," he said, feeling new hope for the future rising within him.

This was their second chance, their new beginning. Louis had always had the best of everything he was, even when he hadn't shown it; now was his chance to shower the man he loved with care and affection, and hope that he would receive the same back in return.


	3. Walk This Earth Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems to Louis that fate has decreed he should always be alone -- but now, he and Carl have been given a second chance.

Louis sighed as he lay back in the hospital bed, closing his eyes and trying to force himself to relax. But he was too keyed up, too attuned to the presence of every person who walked down the hallway outside his room. He couldn't simply fall into sleep.

He needed to rest; Carl had been right about that. He wasn't doing himself any favors by staying so on edge. Of course, he hadn't intended to survive the situation he'd gone rushing headlong into, but now that he had, he had to show at least a semblance of trying to recover.

He didn't want to recover.

Closing his eyes, he tried to push the atmosphere of the hospital away, to let himself drift. But that was hard to do when the sounds of the place were all around him, and his ears seemed to be unnaturally sensitive to every one of them.

Was he really just waiting for Carl to come back? Was he listening for that familiar footstep in the hallway, for that presence that he'd grown so used to?

It wasn't just that he was used to having Carl's presence here, Louis told himself with an inward sigh. It was that he had grown to _need_ that presence over the last few hours. Somehow, Carl had made his way behind the walls he'd so carefully constructed around himself.

He should have known that would happen. Carl had been trying to breach those walls for a while -- and he wasn't the sort of person who took no for an answer, or let himself be discouraged if he didn't achieve his objective on the first try.

However he had managed to do it, Carl had made those walls come crumbling down -- he was in Louis' life now, as more than just a friend and colleague. With one kiss and some well-placed words, Carl had moved into his life in a capacity that he'd never been in before.

That was completely unexpected.

Carl had been on his mind more than usual lately; he knew that the other man was trying to break through his walls, determined to get to him.

Louis had been equally determined that those walls should stay up, that he wasn't going to let anyone in, not even someone who he considered a close friend. He wanted to keep his private pain to himself; there was no need for anyone to share in it.

But his pain hadn't been so private, had it? Everyone on the team had known how raw he was; there had been no way to hide that fact, as much as he'd tried to. They had all known, and they had all tiptoed around him, not wanting to make that pain intensify.

He couldn't bring himself to talk about Rebecca's and Etienne's deaths. Not yet. Even though it had been over a year since Etienne had died, and nearly six months since Rebecca had followed him, the pain was still too fresh, too new.

So everyone avoided speaking of it, and that somehow seemed to make the pain worse. It was an elephant in the room, something that everyone tried to ignore.

They all worried about him; Louis knew that. Everyone on the ICC team thought that he was behaving recklessly, throwing himself headlong into situations that were far too dangerous for one man to go into on his own. They all thought he was trying to kill himself.

They were definitely right about that.

For months now, he had wanted nothing more than to follow his child and his former wife into the mists of oblivion. Even though things had been going badly between the two of them at the end, he missed Rebecca. He missed her presence in his life.

He missed that security of knowing that he had someone to go home to, even if that someone had been more or less estranged from him since the death of their son. She had still been there, part of his life, a presence that he was used to having around.

And now, she was gone, just like that, in what felt like the blink of an eye. If he was honest with himself, the love had been gone for a long time, but he still felt the residual dregs of that love; he still cared for her, and he hadn't wanted her to die.

It was too late for regrets, too late to look back and wonder if he could have done anything differently. It was the past; it was over and done with.

Perhaps he was mistaken in Carl's intentions, but he couldn't help feeling that the other man wanted to take up where they had left off so long ago, with that single kiss. The kiss that had made him run away, the kiss that had frightened him more than he could put into words.

Louis sighed again at the thought; the kiss had haunted him for years, even after he had married Rebecca and become a father. He had known the truth of that kiss, of the desires it masked, of the yearning it had created within his soul.

He had always wanted Carl, from the first moment they'd met.

But he hadn't had the courage then to reach out for what he had wanted. The affair that had just ended had broken his heart; he hadn't been in a position where he felt as though he could trust anyone with his heart, much less another man.

Michael had taken care of that for him, he thought with a wry twist of his lips. At times, he wondered how they had managed to keep a friendship alive for all these years.

He had loved Michael more than he'd thought he could love anyone -- and when his lover had pulled away from him, gently but firmly, Louis had sworn that he would never love another man. That was why he had turned to Rebecca, tried to convince himself that they were right for each other.

He had known they weren't. He had known that their relationship would eventually end -- though it had, in the long run, lasted for many more years than he'd believed it would. He had worked hard at that marriage, trying to make it work through sheer force of will.

It had been so hard to admit that it hadn't worked out, that it had been the wrong thing for him from the start. If he'd known then all that he knew now, if he had realized that when he ran away from Carl, he was really running from himself -- would things have been different?

There was no use in looking back at those lost years, Louis told himself. They were over and done with, and he had made his own decisions -- albeit the wrong ones. He couldn't help feeling that he was doomed to walk this earth alone, to never find complete happiness.

Yet wasn't that happiness what Carl was offering him now?

He wanted to reach out and take that happiness, to grasp it with both hands, hold onto it with all of his strength, and never let go. He had let it go once; he had been too afraid to take what was offered. But now, he was older -- and, it was to be hoped, wiser.

Carl was offering him a second chance, a chance that he desperately wanted to take. But again, he was afraid to take it, afraid that it would all fall apart.

What if things didn't work out this time, either? He would be left with nothing, not even the friendship that he and Carl shared now. It had taken him and Michael a long time to solidify their friendship again after their affair had ended; he didn't want it to be that way with Carl.

If he went into this, he wanted to have some reassurance that it would last forever, and he wasn't foolish enough to think that such guarantees would be forthcoming. There was no way of knowing if anything in this world would last or not.

He would simply have to trust that fate wouldn't be so cruel to him a third time; it had taken Michael from him, then his family. If he let himself give in to the burgeoning feelings he had for Carl and then lost him, he didn't think he could survive the blow.

But then again, that would simply be the final nail in the coffin, the ultimate proof that he was indeed meant to walk this earth alone. If he let himself reach out to the flames and once again was burned, then he would know that he had never been meant for happiness.

He didn't want to think that. It was too heartbreaking.

Louis wanted to believe that he and Carl could be together; if he didn't let himself hold on to that belief, then there was truly nothing left for him in this world.

Nothing but his work -- and he already knew that wasn't enough to make him happy. It might satisfy him in some ways, but he needed more than that. He needed someone in his life to love him, someone to come home to, someone to be his safety and security.

That was never going to be easy for him to find, Louis thought, shifting his position in the hospital bed and trying to get more comfortable. But if anyone could be that safety that he sought, it was Carl. He knew that the other man would never betray him, would never leave him.

Carl loved him. He had known that from the beginning, from that first kiss that had promised so much -- a promise that he had been afraid to trust. He wished now that he _would_ have trusted it, that he had been able to overcome his fears and reach out.

Now he had a second chance -- and this time, he wasn't going to let it slip through his fingers. Yes, he was still afraid of being hurt, but he would make himself take the risk. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained -- and this time around, he had a great deal to gain.

He could gain the love of a good man, someone who already meant the world to him as a colleague and as a friend. And now, as something much, much more.

That was well worth taking a risk for.

Carl would be back soon; he had left to take a shower and change clothes, but he insisted on spending his nights here. Louis felt safe knowing that Carl would be watching over him; he wanted to keep having that feeling of safety and security for the rest of his life.

They had been given a second chance, and they move forward slowly and cautiously, one small step at a time. Carl was his chance not to have to walk this earth alone; Louis intended to take that chance, hold it close to him, and never let it go.


	4. Circle Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl feels that his dreams have come full circle, and he's right back to where he started with Louis so many years ago.

Everything always came back to the start. At least that was how it seemed.

Carl stretched out his long legs in front of him, looking up from the book he was pretending to read and letting his gaze rest on the man in the hospital bed. Louis had been asleep for a while now, but Carl hadn't wanted to let himself drift off.

He couldn't help feeling that Louis wasn't out of danger yet; he couldn't put his finger on why, but there was a prickling on the back of his neck that he'd learned never to ignore. And when it came to Louis' safety, he wasn't going to take any chances.

What if the men who had shot him and then fled knew where he was? There was every chance that they could come to the hospital and try to finish what they'd started.

It didn't matter to him that such a scenario was highly unlikely -- it seemed within the realm of possibility. He would take no chances with Louis' safety, not after he'd come so close to losing the man he loved more than once in the last few months.

He couldn't wait until Louis was discharged from the hospital and they could go to his home here, the new apartment he'd gotten in Paris. He'd given up the place that he had shared with his former wife; the new place was more Louis, more a bachelor's home.

It was funny how Louis' apartment almost felt like .... home.

He felt more comfortable there than he did in his own home. The trailer at the carnival grounds didn't seem like home any more; that was part of another time, another life. The longer he was with the ICC, the less that life seemed like the one he wanted to live.

That life belonged to another person, to a man who had given up on life. Thanks to Louis, he'd been given a new lease on life, and the future looked bright.

The entire team had been in Louis' new home, but Carl didn't think that the others felt as comfortable there as he did. The others really didn't know how to talk to Louis; they tried to assuage his pain with words, but they knew that anything they said was inadequate.

Maybe it was egotistical to feel that he was the only person who understood Louis, especially when Dorn was around. The thought of the older man made Carl frown; he didn't dislike Dorn, but at the same time, he resented the fact that he'd been Louis' first lover.

He knew that Louis didn't still have romantic feelings for Dorn; they hadn't talked about it, but unless Louis was a superb actor -- and Carl didn't think he was _that_ good at hiding his feelings -- he and Dorn were now only friends, and nothing more.

The past was behind them both. It was time for them to look to their own future.

They had both made a lot of mistakes in the past, Carl told himself with an inward sigh. He himself had made more mistakes with Louis than he cared to admit. But that was over and done now; they had a second chance, one that he didn't intend to mess up.

He had dreamed about this for so long, dreamed of having another chance to be with Louis. It looked as though fate had finally decided to smile on him -- and he didn't take that lightly. He would take this chance he'd been given and hold onto it with all his might.

Those dreams always seemed to come back to the same thing -- and lead him back to where he had started, not knowing exactly how to proceed with Louis. But this time, he would be more cautious, and he would win the man he wanted.

Louis had already given him reason to hope. When he had leaned over that bed and kissed Louis awake, he hadn't pulled away, hadn't told him to stop.

All of his dreams were finally coming true. He could see that future with Louis ahead of him, bright and golden. Of course, they would both have some issues to work through; the path wouldn't always be easy. But it was the path he wanted to take.

Carl couldn't imagine his future without Louis, not now that they had connected again. The other man had said things that led him to believe that their desire was mutual, even if Louis hadn't said those particular words out loud. Carl was sure that Louis felt the same.

Well, he would find out before too much longer.

What comes around, goes around -- it was always a saying that he'd believed in. It seemed to be true for him at the moment -- he couldn't shake the feeling that he'd been here before, even though his hadn't been keeping vigil at a hospital bed.

No, he'd been here emotionally. He had been in this very place fifteen years ago, wondering which road to take, what he should do to ensure that Louis Daniel was his. He'd made his first mistake then; it was a mistake that had cost him dearly.

His dreams had been at the same place, too; they had moved in a circle, always centering around Louis, until they were right back at the point they'd started from. This time, he was going to make those dreams come true, give them a place to come home to.

He and Louis were both older now; they had both made mistakes in their lives, and they knew themselves better than they had fifteen years ago. Now, they both knew what they wanted.

He'd always known what he wanted, Carl thought with a wry smile. He had always wanted Louis. That had never changed, not in all the years that had come between their first meeting and this moment in time. He had always clung to that dream with a steadfast yearning.

Now that the dream had come full circle, it was as strong as ever. His desire for Louis had only grown in all those years -- and now that they worked together, it was at a fever pitch. There were times when he didn't known how he held himself back from the other man.

He'd had to. Louis was married, and he had to respect that.

But now, everything had changed. Louis' wife had never been good for him; Carl was sure that he could be. He wanted to be good for Louis; he wanted to give the other man all that he needed, show him how much he was loved and cherished.

Did Louis' dreams follow the same circle? Had he really wanted Carl from that first kiss, and just been too afraid to let his desires be known? That was something he'd have to talk with Louis about; he wanted to know if his own desires had been reciprocated.

Though maybe it was best if he didn't ask, Carl thought with a frown. If Louis' dreams hadn't followed that same path, he didn't really want to know. Maybe Louis' dreams had been more about reconciling with his wife, trying to make the life he had chosen work out.

It hadn't happened that way, though. And now, Louis was his. Or would be. He had said as much with that kiss, when he hadn't pulled away from it.

More than anything, he wanted them to be on the same path. He wanted Louis to love him, wanted the two of them to have a life together. His dreams were finally becoming a reality, and it would break his heart if they turned out to be nothing more than ephemeral wishes.

Yet it had all seemed to come full circle -- he was right where he had been so many years before, with the same choices facing him. He could either follow his heart, or he could turn and walk away. He'd made the wrong choice before; he was determined not to do the same again.

This time, he would do what was right for them both.

So many years ago, walking away would have been the right thing. This time, that was definitely the _wrong_ thing for him to do. If he did the same thing that he had done fifteen years ago, this time, it would all fall into place, the way it should be.

Louis hadn't been ready then, but he was now. They had both matured a lot, been through more than either of them could have imagined. Pain had forged them, shaped them, made them different people. But they had always kept the same hearts.

He was sure that Louis felt the same about him. He might not show it as readily, but then, Louis had been through so much emotionally. He just wasn't ready to say the words; Carl didn't blame him for that. He still had to heal, and that process had only just begun.

But he would help Louis on his way to healing. They would help each other. They would lean on each other, learn to depend on each other, and keep growing closer.

As dreams went, that was a good one to have, Carl told himself. That was the dream he'd had all those years ago -- and it had now come full circle. He was right where he'd been then; he only hoped that he had gathered some wisdom through the intervening years.

Only time would tell if his dreams would finally come true.


	5. A Sense of Defeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis hopes that his future with Carl will wash away the perceived failures of his past.

Louis turned over onto his side, wincing as he tried to find a more comfortable position. It seemed that no matter how he lay, there was always a bruise. He was sure that there wasn't one area of his body that wasn't black and blue.

But those bruises would fade, he told himself with a soft sigh. It was only the inner bruises that would stay, long after the outer ones were gone.

The inner bruises would remain -- and the sense of defeat, the feeling that once again, he hadn't been able to send himself into oblivion, where he'd felt that he belonged ever since the deaths of his child and then his wife. Oblivion was where he should be, as well.

But now, he was starting to wonder if he truly wanted to be there.

He had felt a horrible sense of defeat, of walls closing in on him, even since Etienne's death over a year ago. All during the dissolution of his marriage, when he had felt that Rebecca blamed him for that death, that sense had only gotten stronger.

It had finally come to a head with her death, when he had failed to save her. It had been _he_ who should have died, he kept telling himself -- and even though he was grateful in some ways be alive, he had spent a lot of time wishing that he wasn't.

What, after all, did he have to live for? His work? That really didn't assuage the pain and guilt any more. It had been his work that had brought him to this; his work that he'd thought had killed his son, until he'd discovered differently.

He hadn't realized that he would have someone else to live for -- a man who had always been there for him, even when Louis hadn't expected him to be. He had never thought that he could have a future with Carl, even though at one time, he had wanted one.

Now, he had that chance. A second chance at life and love.

He wanted to grab on to that chance, to hold on to it with all of his strength and never let go. Second chances were rarely granted to anyone, he told himself as he watched Carl sleeping in the chair by his bed. He was lucky to have one.

Taking this second chance that had been offered to him would wash away the guilt, ease the pain, and give him a new reason to carry on.

Louis smiled as he watched Carl, wishing that it was already the next day and they were alone at his flat. They would talk then, and their future would be decided. And if he was lucky, the sense of defeat would be swept away, never to return again.


	6. Dual Recoveries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl hopes that he and Louis can deal with their respective recoveries together.

Carl looked around Louis' flat with a smile; he had liked this place from the first time he'd been here, and he was glad that Louis was out of the hospital and could convalesce at home. A hospital bed was no place for anyone to make a full recovery.

Louis wasn't the kind of man who would recover in a hospital, anyway. He needed more freedom than he could get there, and fortunately, his doctors knew that.

Carl was just thankful that they had firmly said it wasn't a good idea for Louis to be on his own; he knew that the other man had wanted to argue with that diagnosis, but Carl hadn't let him. He had merely told those doctors that he would be staying with Louis.

He intended to stay here indefinitely.

Going back to his trailer in the Hague at the carnival no longer seemed like an option for him; it wasn't a place he wanted to be. It was too far away from Louis, even though the other man had a flat in that city. It was too .... well, lonely.

That trailer was part of another life, a life he hadn't really wanted to lead. Now that he had a second chance with Louis, he wanted to put all of that behind him, even though he knew that this new life they would be starting wouldn't come without complications.

He was going to have to find another way to assuage the pain in his hand. He couldn't keep using the medication that he was on now; it took care of the pain, but it also left his thinking muddled and cloudy. He didn't want to deal with that.

He and Louis both had a lot of recovering to do; Carl thought with a wry smile. But this was the place for them both to do it -- a place that was free of all the encumbrances of their respective pasts, a place where they could get a fresh start.

He _would_ overcome his problems. He had to.

If he couldn't, then he wasn't worthy of being with Louis -- and he wanted to be. He'd never wanted anything so badly in his life. Louis deserved someone who he could be proud of; someone who would stand by his side as his equal. Carl wanted desperately to be that person.

He would do everything he could to ensure that was the case. He was going to prove himself to Louis, prove that he was worthy to be with him.

While Louis was recovering from all that he'd been through, Carl would be going through his own recovery right alongside him. Those dual recoveries would bring them closer together; at least, that was what he hoped for. Somehow, he would make that hope a reality.


	7. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he doesn't want to hear what Louis is saying , Carl has a good way to stop him from talking.

"Carl." Louis' voice behind him made him turn around, lifting his brows in question. "The guest room is this way. I don't think I have ever really given you a tour of the flat when you were here before, but if you intend to stay here for any length of time --"

"Of course I do," Carl interrupted him with a slight frown. "You're not in any shape to take care of yourself. And I want to make sure you're safe."

Louis opened his mouth to speak, probably to tell him that he didn't need to be protected, and that he wasn't an invalid. Carl had already heard it, and he wasn't going to listen to it again. He wasn't going to let Louis repeat those same words.

And he knew an excellent way to make him stop talking.

Stepping forward, Carl swept Louis into his arms, pulling the other man's slim body close against his own. He felt Louis stiffen, knew that he wanted to pull back -- but, for some reason, he didn't. He merely stood there, tilting his head back to look up at Carl.

Louis' lips were full, moist, slightly parted. Carl was sure that he was going to say something, probably the same words about how he wasn't an invalid, that Carl didn't need to stay here, and that he would call if he needed anything.

Rather than let those words come out, Carl raised one hand to card his fingers through Louis' dark hair before lowering his head and capturing the other man's mouth with his own, taking Louis by surprise with the suddenness of the maneuver.

The kiss fired off every synapse in Carl's body; for a few seconds, all he could think of was moving the two of them to the bedroom, somehow getting them both naked, and plunging deep inside Louis, losing himself in the heat of the other man's body.

But of course, he couldn't. Right now, the kiss was all he could focus on.

Instead, he poured all of the desire and passion he felt for Louis into the kiss, trying to let him know through the intimate contact of lips and tongue just how much he was wanted -- and needed. He didn't need words to show Louis exactly how he felt.

The kiss seemed to go on forever; Carl never wanted it to end. He wanted to stand here with Louis in his arms and their mouths fused together for all of eternity.

When Louis finally broke away form the kiss, his dark eyes were wide, his gaze searching Carl's face. He didn't speak, didn't move; Carl couldn't help wondering what he was thinking. If Louis wanted to be kissed again, he would be only too happy to oblige.


	8. Too Long Between Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They've had to wait far too long to find each other again.

Louis stared at Carl, dark eyes wide, a million questions on his lips. But he couldn't make himself speak to ask any of them; they all seemed frozen in his head, unable to make it to his lips and out into speech. Really, he already had the answers, anyway.

There was no need to ask Carl why he had kissed him. This was merely the two of them picking up from where they had left off fifteen years ago.

The kiss they had shared then had frightened him with its intensity; he hadn't been ready for such feelings at the time. His affair with Michael had just ended recently, and he was too raw, too heartbroken, to let another man into his life and his heart.

But that was then. This was now.

He had thought about that kiss for years, wishing that he'd had the courage to follow through with it. It had been a missed opportunity, one that he had always bitterly regretted -- particularly after Carl had been shot and his life had seemed to go to hell.

Louis had wanted so badly to rescue him from that life, to pull him up from the gutter he had fallen into, to help him brush himself off and come back to life. With Carl's inclusion on the ICC team, he was sure that he'd managed to do just that.

Carl had always been his weakness. The other man didn't even know that Louis had watched over him for a long time, wishing that he could find a way to approach him, but knowing that Carl's pride would only cause a rift between them. He hadn't been ready.

That weakness had remained, even after Carl had been brought back from the depths and they had begun working together. He'd had to keep distance between the two of them, to be sure that he didn't give in to that weakness.

Now, there was no reason for him not to give in.

It was past time for that weakness to become a strength. Slowly, Louis raised his hand to cup Carl's cheek, a smile curving his lips. "Fifteen years is far too long to go between kisses," he murmured, tilting his head to the side. "Would you like to make up for lost time?"

Carl's answering smile was all the answer he needed; it seemed that the other man did indeed intend to make up for all the time they'd spent apart.

When their lips met again, Louis let himself sink into the kiss, his body relaxing in Carl's embrace. He didn't know just where this was going to take them, but he knew that wherever Carl led, he would follow, no matter what that path might be.


	9. Couldn't Stay Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl finds it impossible to sleep alone.

Damn, it felt cold in here. And lonely.

Carl turned over in bed, sighing in frustration and wishing that he could punch his pillow -- or throw it against the wall. He didn't want to be in this room, sleeping across the hall from Louis. He wanted to have Louis in his arms, to share the same bed.

Well, not that he was doing much sleeping, he thought wryly. He had thought he was tired, but now that he was here in bed, he was wide awake.

He was fairly sure that if he was in the bed in the room across the hall, with Louis lying next to him, he would be able to sleep like a baby. After he got his fill of watching Louis sleep, that is. He might just stay up all night doing that.

He literally _ached_ to hold Louis.

But he couldn't simply get up and go into Louis' bedroom; he couldn't just pull back the covers and slide into bed beside the other man, as much as he wanted to. That would be an invasion of Louis' privacy; he had to stay where he was.

When Louis was ready for Carl to come to his bed, then he would say so. He didn't think that would take long; Louis simply needed to be ready to move forward, and he obviously wasn't yet. Carl had to be patient, to give him time.

He loved Louis. He wasn't going to push him into something that he wasn't ready for; that wouldn't be fair to either of them. But he wasn't going to lie here in a cold, lonely bed all night, not when the man he wanted with all of his heart and soul was just across the hall from him.

Kicking back the covers, Carl got out of bed, moving as quietly as he could. He opened the door and went out into the hallway, raising a brow when he saw that Louis' bedroom door was open. So, it appeared that Louis wasn't trying to shut himself away.

He wasn't going to be allowed to do that. Not any more.

Taking a deep breath, he went into the room, standing by the doorway to let his eyes adjust to the light. He could hear Louis turn over; he wondered if the other man knew that he was in the room, if Louis somehow sensed his presence there.

Carl made his way across the room to the bed, pulling back the covers and sliding under them. He was no longer cold, not with the warmth of Louis' body beside his own.

Louis turned toward him; even in the near-darkness, Carl could see the surprise on his handsome features. "I couldn't stay away from you another minute," he murmured, wrapping his arms around Louis and pulling him closer.

Suddenly, the night was no longer cold -- or lonely.


	10. Heart Held Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis isn't going to hold back his desires any longer.

Louis gasped as he turned to face Carl, wanting to sit up and move away. But he couldn't do that; already, Carl's strong arms were wrapped around him, pulling him close to the other man, refusing to let him go. There was no way he could struggle against the embrace.

Besides, he didn't really want to. He _wanted_ Carl here in his bed; he had felt guilty that he had asked the other man to sleep in the guest bedroom.

He'd hungered for Carl since they had first met; he had wanted this man in his bed, in his life. But all those years ago, he had been too broken by end end of his affair with Michael to reach out for what he had wanted, and he had denied both himself and Carl the happiness they deserved.

He wasn't going to go down that same path again.

There was no reason for the two of them _not_ to be together, no reason for him to keep holding that insatiable hunger back. He had done so for years, always feeling a sense of guilt and longing sweep over him whenever he had thought of Carl.

Yes, he had loved his wife, but this wasn't the same. He had always felt that there was something hesitant in Rebecca's love for him, that she had never been fully engaged in their relationship. Maybe it was because she had known about his affair with Michael.

And maybe she had realized that he harbored romantic feelings for Carl. He would never know if that was the truth; it was far too late for those questions now. All that mattered, really, was that he and Carl were here, together, after such a long separation.

It didn't matter that they were colleagues; they would somehow manage to work around that. The only thing that mattered to him here, tonight, was that Carl was with him, that Carl wanted to be with him, that they both felt this undeniable hunger that they couldn't hold back.

This time, he was going to give in. No more hesitation, no more denials.

He wrapped his arms around Carl's waist, burrowing into the other man's embrace, holding on as though he was drowning and Carl was a lifeline. This was what he wanted, what he had hungered for -- Carl in his bed, in his arms, holding him, loving him.

This fantasy had gotten him through a lot of lonely nights, and suddenly it wasn't a fantasy any more. It was reality, a reality that he wanted to hold on to.

Louis didn't know what was going to happen between them tonight, if they would become lovers or if they would simply lie here together. But whatever did happen, he would welcome it with open arms, and go into the future with his heart and his hope held out to the man he loved.


	11. All That Matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After years of waiting, Carl and Louis are finally in bed together.

Carl stroked Louis' hair, holding him close, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. He was finally where he wanted to be, after so many years of waiting.

He was in bed with Louis, holding the man he loved in his arms.

They were together, as he'd wanted them to be for so long. It almost didn't seem possible that one of his fondest wishes had finally come true, that the two of them were on the cusp of a future together, a future that would give them all they had ever desired.

"Carl." Louis' voice was very soft; Carl was sure that he could hear laughter lurking behind the words. "You might want to let me go for a moment. It's hard to breathe."

"Oh." He chuckled and loosened his grip on the other man. "Sorry about that. I guess it's just an instinctive reaction to hold you too tightly because I've wanted to do it for so long. This feels like a dream come true, Louis. A dream I've had every night for years."

Louis nodded, his dark gaze locking with Carl's.

"We are together now, Carl, and that is all that matters," he said softly. "The past is in the past -- and I fully intend to leave it there. I have done my grieving; that has gone on for too long. It's time for me to face the future, and embrace it."

He was silent for a moment before continuing, his voice stronger than it had been.

"I intend to face that future with you by my side." His gaze never wavered from Carl's face; his voice stayed firm and steady. "I believe that my future is with you."

"I always was," Carl murmured, unable to look away from that intense gaze. "We've always belonged with each other. Louis. I understand why you ran away from me when we had our first chance at being together. But this time, running isn't an option."

"No, it isn't," Louis agreed, his voice once again soft and quiet. "I promise that I won't run this time, Carl. I'm done with that."

"Good." Carl smiled, raising a hand to run his fingers through Louis' hair. "And I'm not going to run, either. We're both a lot more scarred than we were all those years ago, Louis. We've both been hurt. But we're older and wiser now, and we know what we want."

He was rewarded with the quick flash of a smile from the man in his arms.

"I have always known what I wanted," Louis told him, shaking his head. "I have always known that I made a mistake when I ran from you. But I'm glad you understand my reasons for doing so. I simply .... wasn't ready then. But I am now."

"I've been ready for a long time," Carl told him, then winced as memories came flooding back. "Okay, so there was a pretty good deal of time where I went off the rails. But I'm back on them now. And I'm going to stay there. With your help."

"I'm glad to help as much as I can," Louis said softly, raising a hand to stroke Carl's cheek. "Whatever I can do, Carl, just ask. I'm here for you. Always."

"And I'm always here for you," Carl replied, brushing his lips against the other man's.

That kiss lit a fire within him, a fire that he couldn't control. Within moments, he had rolled over on top of Louis, his hands moving down the other man's body. He could feel Louis' hands in his hair, then moving down to pull him closer, asking for what he was all too eager to give.


	12. I'll Call You Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl and Louis finally give in to their desire for each other.

Carl let his hands move down Louis' body; he didn't want to think about anything but what was happening between them here and now, in this bed, in this moment. The rest of the world faded away; there was only the two of them.

This was what he had wanted for longer than he could remember -- Louis in his arms, in his bed, Louis wanting him as much as he wanted Louis. This was the dream that had kept him going through his most difficult times, the dream that never faded away.

He hadn't thought that it would actually happen, but now it was. And he wasn't going to turn away from it, no matter what the outcome might be. He was going to savor this dream, immerse himself in it, and enjoy it to the fullest. He was going to live the dream for as long as he could.

But it wasn't a dream, he told himself. It was actually happening; he and Louis were about to me more intimate than they'd ever been. The dream was finally coming true; no longer a dream, but reality. A reality that he wanted to last for all of their lives.

It only took him a moment to lift Louis' shirt over his head and toss it to the floor, then do the same with his own. He reveled in the feel of the other man's bare skin beneath his questing fingertips; he had always wanted to touch Louis like this.

Louis' own hands were on him, moving down his shoulders, his arms, then down his sides to rest on his hips. He had no idea how he was going to manage to get out of his boxers gracefully, but somehow, he was going to do it.

Louis helped him by grasping the waistband of his boxers and pulling them down; Carl only had to kick them off. He did the same for Louis' boxers when the other man lifted his hips; within seconds, they were naked next to each other, no barriers between their bodies.

That knowledge made Carl's head spin; this was all moving so quickly that he almost didn't know how to react. He had wanted this for so long, but now that it was finally happening, it still felt like a dream rather than the most wonderful reality he could imagine.

"The lubricant is in the drawer of the table," Louis whispered, his dark gaze meeting Carl's. It was obvious that Louis wanted him to get on with this, and Carl wanted that just as much. His body was on fire; Louis' touch was almost enough to send him over the moon.

He had to hold himself back, he told himself as he reached for the drawer, fumbling for a moment before he pulled out a small tube of lube. It didn't take him long to pop the cap off and lubricate two fingers, then to lower his hand between Louis' spread thighs.

Louis moaned softly when one finger entered him; Carl quickly followed that with another, watching the other man's face. If Louis showed any sign of discomfort, he would slow down -- but he wasn't going to stop. Not now, not when they had both waited so long for this.

But there was no discomfort on those handsome features that he could see; there was only desire, a desire that was meant for him and only him. The look on Louis' face did strange things to Carl's body, and to his heart as well.

He could see all the desire in the world in those dark eyes, a desire that was all for him. And he was sure that his eyes reflected the same feeling back at Louis; he had never wanted anyone as much as he wanted this man. Not only for tonight, but forever.

Slowly, he let his fingers slip out of Louis; he almost held his breath as he moved closer to the other man, pushing Louis' knees up to his chest. This was always a little awkward when making love to a man, the first time that their bodies were joined.

But somehow, this didn't feel nearly as awkward as any other time he'd been with a male; this felt _right_ , as though it was destined to be, as though he had only been waiting for it to happen, for the final piece of his life to click neatly into place.

"Please, Carl." Louis' voice was very soft, barely a whisper, but it was no less intense for its breathiness. "I need you. _Now._ I have been waiting for you for so long. Please, don't make me wait any longer." His grip tightened on Carl's shoulders, nails biting into his flesh.

"I won't, baby," Carl whispered, closing his eyes and thrusting his hips forward. The tight heat that enveloped him made him gasp aloud; he had expected this to be incredible, but there were no words to describe how it felt to be inside Louis.

This was even better than his dreams; he wouldn't have believed that reality could be even more amazing than all of the fantasies he'd had, but it was. Louis' body around him, Louis' soft moans in his ears; this was more than he could have ever dreamed of.

He pulled back slowly, opening his eyes and looking down at Louis; he half-expected to see some sign of pain on the other man's handsome features, but all he saw was pleasure, a pleasure that matched his own, that begged for more.

Carl was more than ready to give Louis all that he wanted. He thrust forward again, into that velvety tight heat, a moan dragged from his throat before he realized that he had made a sound. He wasn't going to be able to last long; this felt too good.

It didn't take them long to build up a rhythm with each other, Louis meeting Carl thrust for thrust, their bodies straining to reach their peak. Carl whispered Louis' name, and his voice was answered by the other man's speaking what he assumed were loving words in French.

This was how he had always dreamed it would be between them, Carl thought dazedly. No, this was far better than what he had dreamed. Nothing could compare to this; the reality was so much better than any dream or fantasy he could possibly create.

His orgasm was uncoiling within him, spiraling upwards into the stars; he knew that Louis was feeling much the same way by how his thighs tightened around Carl's waist, how his breathing was becoming more and more labored. Only a few more moments now ....

When his orgasm broke over him, there were no words; there was only Louis' name in his mind and in his heart, and the wordless cry to the heavens that was joined by Louis' soft moans. The two of them clutched at each other, locked in an embrace as they fell back to earth.

Carl rolled over onto his side so that he wouldn't collapse on top of Louis; he kept the other man in his arms, staying inside him. This paradise was too incredible for him to leave just yet; he didn't want to break any part of their intimate contact.

They lay there for what felt like a very long time as their heartbeats and breathing returned to normal; Carl finally raised a hand to stroke Louis' damp hair back from his forehead, gazing into the other man's dark eyes. "I'd say that was worth waiting so long for."

Louis nodded, a smile curving his lips. "Indeed it was," he murmured, raising a hand to stroke Carl's cheek. "The only question that remains is -- what are we going to call each other at work now? It isn't as though we should let the others know what has happened between us."

"Why shouldn't they know?" Carl countered, a frown creasing his brow. "Louis, it's not like they can't tell there's some past history between us already. And there's nothing in the rule book that says lovers can't work together. I think everybody'll understand."

"I'm sure they will." Louis' tone was light when he spoke again, but Carl was sure that there was still some underlying worry. That was Louis, always worrying about appearances and what others might think. "But I don't think it wold be good if a 'baby' slipped out now and then."

"I know exactly what I'll call you at work," Carl told him, his own smile feeling as though it would keep on growing and never stop. He was too happy to think of anything negative right now. "I don't give a damn what anybody else might think. I'll call you mine."

"Of course I'm yours," Louis murmured, his dark gaze never wavering from Carl's face. "I've always been yours, Carl. Even through all of those years that we spent apart, when I was married to Rebecca. I never stopped being yours, even though I would never admitted it then."

"And I never stopped wanting you," Carl said softly in answer to those words. He felt as though his heart was expanding, growing too large to be contained within his chest. Louis had always loved him, had always wanted to be his. Just as he had always loved Louis.

Nothing had changed between them, even though they had been parted. They had never stopped thinking about each other. And they had wasted so much time, time that they could have been together, loving each other, making each other happy.

But he wouldn't think about that now. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that they were here now, that they had found each other again. And this time, now that they had been granted a second chance, he knew that they would never let each other go.

"I don't care what you call me," Louis told him with a smile. "But I do think that we should be discreet when we are working." His dark eyes pleaded with Carl to understand; Carl couldn't help but smile and nod in agreement with him.

"Okay, then. Discretion is the word of the hour. But --" he took a deep breath before continuing -- "we can't hide this forever, Louis. And I don't think we should. We can trust the people we work with. And they know us. They'll know that something's changed between us."

"Yes, they will." Louis nodded, sighing softly. "No, I don't want to hide this forever. I would prefer not to hide it at all. But we do need to ease into letting everyone know, Carl. After all, we have to be professional when we're working. We can't put ourselves above the others."

Carl nodded reluctantly, knowing that Louis was right. No matter how they felt about each other, they still had to hold the rest of the team in as much regard as they did themselves. They couldn't put their feelings ahead of anyone else's welfare.

And they wouldn't, he promised himself. Even though he could now call Louis his, he wasn't going to turn his back on the rest of the team. He wouldn't sacrifice anyone simply because of what his lover meant to him. He would keep things on a professional level.

At least, he would do so while they were at work. When they were here at home, or alone together, it was another matter altogether. Then he would have nothing to hide, no reason to be discreet. He could let all the love that he felt for this man come out into the open.

"Things will go okay at work," he said softly, hoping that he was right. He didn't want to think about work right now, or anyone else but Louis. All he wanted to do was lie here with the man he loved in his arms for a while -- and then make love to him again.

It seemed that Louis' mind was working along those same lines; even as the thought came to Carl's mind, those slim hips moved against his, and the devilish little smile that curved Louis' lips let him know just what his lover was thinking.

He had to respond to that look, to that smile, to those hips moving against his own; there was no way he couldn't. His body wanted to take over from his mind, and he let it, rolling over so that Louis was on his back again and he was looking down at his lover.

This was all that he wanted, for the rest of his life, Carl thought as he lowed his head for another hot, sweet kiss. To be here with Louis in his arms, to call this man his, now and forever. It was all he needed to make his life more supremely happy than he'd ever thought it could be.


	13. Welcome To Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time around, Louis knows that he's exactly where he belongs.

Louis opened his eyes, blinking slightly as memories of the night before came back to him. He and Carl had finally made love, after all the years of longing. They belonged to each other now, physically as well as emotionally.

He couldn't regret what had happened between them. It had too good, too intense. It had been the culmination of years of longing.

No, he had no regrets. Last night had opened a door into paradise for him, and he felt that he had been welcomed into that paradise with open arms. He only had to embrace what he had found, and let himself feel that he deserved to be here.

He only had to reach out and take what he had been given.

He _would_ do that, Louis told himself firmly. He wasn't going to hold back. He wasn't going to try to pretend to himself that this wasn't what he had always wanted, or that it would be better for him to hold back and not let himself be happy.

He had done that for far too long with Rebecca, and he had lived a life of unhappiness. Etienne had always brightened his days, but now his son was gone.

Carl would be the one to brighten his days from now on; just being here with Carl, waking in his arms and feeling safe and protected, made him happy in a way that he had never been. It felt good to let go of his rigid control, to let someone else have the reins.

Carl would never turn away from him, never let him down. Oh, their relationship might not always be easy. They might have arguments, or even fights. There might be points when they despaired of things ever working, when they felt frustrated and angry.

But Carl would always be here for him. He always had been, even when he'd been in the throes of his drug addiction. Carl had never stopped loving him.

And he had never stopped loving Carl. That much was obvious. They had never stopped wanting each other; that desire had only grown stronger over the years, until finally, they had been given a second chance to reach for their paradise.

Now that they had found it, they would never let it go.

He had always dreamed of being welcomed into this paradise, of being able to share his life with Carl. He'd made so many mistakes, and now he was being given the chance to correct them. This time around, he was going to do it right.

There would be no more mistakes. He knew where he belonged, and who his heart belonged to. This time, he was right where he should be.

Louis smiled at the thought of the years that stretched ahead of him, all of them spent with the man he loved. This second chance was something he'd never expected, and he intended to make the rest of their lives together a paradise for both of them.


	14. No Longer A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis wonders how the team will react to the changes that have been made by his relationship with Carl.

This was going to be a big change for the team to adapt to.

Or was it? Louis asked himself as he stared into the bathroom mirror. He looked exactly the same; it wasn't as though anyone would be able to _see_ the changes that had been wrought in him by just one night with the man he loved.

No, they would see the changes the moment he walked into the office that the team worked in. They would all know that something momentous had happened to him.

He smiled more now; that was obvious. He felt as though he hadn't been able to stop smiling this morning; all he could think of was how much his life had changed in just one night, and all of those changes had been for the better. They were all marvelous.

Carl had changed his life irrevocably. There was no looking back.

Yes, a part of him would always mourn for his lost son, and he would always have regrets about the failure of his marriage. But there was an entire new life in front of him, a change that he gladly welcomed with open arms. And all because of Carl.

There was so much in his life to be thankful for now. His days and nights were no longer empty; he finally had something to live for.

His life had felt so bleak for so long now that he almost didn't know how to adapt to this sudden feeling of happiness. It was almost too much to fathom.

But yet, it was here, and he was determined to grab onto it and hold on with all of his might. This was what he had wanted for so long -- Carl at his side, as both a colleague and a lover -- and he wasn't going to give up that dream now that it had finally become a reality.

It was no longer a dream. It was his life.

The change had been unexpected, but he welcomed it. And the rest of the team would simply have to accept that change ,and get used to it. The old Louis was gone forever; the new Louis would hopefully be someone who was a much brighter, happier person.

He had a feeling that the rest of the team would appreciate this change, and that it would be one that they would all welcome. Well, they would soon find out if that was so.

It wouldn't be much longer before he would be back at work; he couldn't convalesce forever, and he already wanted to go back to work. He hoped that he could talk his doctors into giving him some sort of release in a few days, permission to go back to work.

Then they would see just how much of a change this would be in the professional sense.


	15. Companionable Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the team seems to be fine with the new relationship between Carl and Louis.

No one seemed to notice. Or at least, they pretended not to.

Louis was glad of that. He didn't want to have to explain his relationship with Carl to the people they worked with. It was really no one's business.

And they weren't going to let it change the team dynamics. There would be no favoritism; everyone was still an equal member of the team. He and Carl might have a personal relationship, but it wouldn't be allowed to come into their professional lives.

They'd talked about this long into the night, and they had agreed that the worst thing they could do was let their personal lives affect their work.

It might not be easy, but they would manage it.

So far, so good. No one seemed to be bothered by the fact that he and Carl had shared a dozen intimate little looks throughout the day, that they had touched more than once, and that Carl had even dropped a kiss on his cheek before he'd left the office.

He was back now, sitting only a few feet away from Louis. And still there was silence from the other team members, a silence that didn't feel uncomfortable at all.

No, there was no discomfort. It was obvious that the others had drawn their own conclusions as to what was going on, and no one seemed to disapprove.

Of course, Michael wasn't here, Louis though, wincing. There was no telling what he would say about this new turn of events. But even if he was silent in a different way, using that silence to express disapproval of their relationship, it wouldn't change anything.

He and Carl were together now. And they would stay this way.

Nothing was going to tear him away from this man. Carl was what he wanted, what he had always wanted. He had a second chance, and he was taking it.

But for the moment, there was no disapproval, and the silence didn't feel deafening. it simply felt like the companionable silence of people working, people who were all comfortable with each other, and people who approved of each other in the personal and professional sense.

He was lucky in his team. Lucky in his friends. And more than anything else, he was lucky to have been given a second chance at happiness.

Louis smiled into the silence. At the moment, life was as good as it could ever be.


	16. Fight For Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is sure that Michael doesn't approve of his new relationship with Carl.

Louis grimaced as he looked down at the message on his desk.

Why did Michael always have to be the one to see the clouds in any given situation? He knew what this note was a portent of. Michael had said that he wanted to talk to Louis about some of the "choices" he'd been making, and he knew exactly what that referred to.

Michael was happy that he and Carl had found each other. He was glad that Louis was happy. He'd made no bones about that.

But at the same time, Michael had already obliquely cautioned him about becoming involved with someone who he worked with. He hadn't said so out loud, but he was afraid that Carl and Louis' new relationship would draw a line through the team.

Louis didn't think that would happen, but he couldn't tell Michael so.

Michael would always believe exactly what he wanted to believe. Nothing would change his opinion about anything, unless he had solid, irrefutable _facts_ in front of him. He would always see the clouds in any silver lining, no matter how bright the day was.

He knew that he couldn't avoid this little chat Michael said that he wanted them to have. It was inevitable, no matter how much he tried to put it off.

He'd tell Carl about it beforehand, of course. It might cause some friction between Carl and Michael, but that would have to be ironed out.

Michael had to realize that his relationship with Carl wasn't something that he was going to give up -- not for the team, not for anyone. This was his second chance at a happiness that he should have been brave enough to reach out for years ago, and he wouldn't let it slip away.

If Michael didn't like it, well, that was just too bad.

He wanted to have Michael's approval. After all, he was the _de facto_ head of the team. He had brought them together -- and even though Louis had been the one to recommend Carl for the team, Michael _had_ brought him in and given them this second chance.

So who was he to find clouds in their silver lining, and not approve of what they had together? Louis wasn't going to let Michael, or anyone, give him doubts.

'If he didn't have his boss and former lover's approval with this relationship ... Louis sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. It didn't really matter. This relationship would continue, no matter what clouds Michael might find to make it rain on them.

He would fight for love, and he would win that battle.


	17. Ancient Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite Michael's warnings, Louis doesn't want to think about the past, only the future.

"What was it that you wanted to talk to me about, Michael?"

Louis' voice was quiet as he sat down on the park bench beside Dorn and leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. Too late, he realized that Michael would see those crossed arms as being a combative stance, and he would take that as a bad sign.

"Louis, do you realize that having a relationship with someone you have to work with could compromise the team?" Michael's voice was very soft, carrying just a hint of admonition.

"Yes, I do -- but it won't," Louis replied in as calm a tone as he could muster. "If you search your memory, you might recall that you and I worked together and had a relationship, and that didn't compromise anything. So do not use that argument now."

Michael almost smiled, but managed to keep from doing so.

"I'm merely pointing out that it could be dangerous for the team's morale," he said with a soft sigh. "If memory serves me correctly, you had some problems with people all those years ago who thought that you were trying to curry favor by being with me."

Louis had to admit that Michael was right; there _had_ been some petty jealousies and rivalries. But it hadn't stopped the two of them from being involved.

Until the breakup, which had been spectacularly messy. He hadn't wanted it, and he had to admit that he'd carried on much more dramatically than he should have at first.

But it had broken his heart. He had been young, and in love. He'd never felt that way about anyone else -- that was, until Carl had come into his life and stirred his emotions in a way that he'd never expected to feel again, and the intensity of it had made him run away.

Never again. He would never be foolish enough to turn away from love now.

"Don't worry, Michael," Louis said, his voice tight and restrained. "You shouldn't have asked to talk about this, because you know that things aren't going to change. Carl and I have waited a long time for each other, and we have been given a second chance. We aren't going to turn it down."

Michael sighed again, nodding. "I knew you would say that. And I wish the two of you luck, Louis. I do. But keep those memories in mind, will you?"

Louis sighed, but nodded in response to Michael's words. He didn't really want to think about those ancient memories; they were part of a part that he didn't want to relive. His relationship with Carl was new, a second chance, a redemption, a rebirth.

And no matter what anyone else thought of that relationship, he wouldn't give it up.


	18. Exploit the Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl is worried that Genovese will see Louis as just another of Carl's weaknesses to exploit.

Genovese was still in his head.

Carl closed his eyes, cursing silently. He wished that he could simply forget the bastard, forget all that he'd said, all that he'd done. But he couldn't. Those taunting words would stay in his mind forever, those words that told him he'd failed.

This was going to be his weakness for the rest of his life. He would always know that he'd let Genovese get away, to the detriment of so many lives.

Carl was sure that it was Genovese who'd been behind the attempt on Louis' life. That bastard was the reason his lover had been in the hospital, and had nearly lost his life. Somehow, it just didn't _feel_ like Dimitrov. No, it was Genovese all the way.

Somehow, he'd found out about Carl's relationship with Louis.

Genovese would know that the best way to destroy Carl was to get to Louis. He must have somehow known about the feelings Carl harbored for him.

How could he have known, though? Carl had never let his feelings for Louis slip to anyone. He thought that they'd kept that brief, intense attraction that they had felt for each other so many years ago well-hidden; he didn't think anyone but Dorn had seen it.

A thought occurred to him, one that chilled his blood.

He had been delirious when Genovese had drugged him. He could have said anything.

There was no telling what that bastard might have heard, no telling what he would dredge up to use against them. Carl had no idea what he might have spilled when he was drugged; he could have said so many things. Genovese had exploited his weakness.

Though at this point, Genovese hadn't called him to taunt him, or claim credit for what had happened to Louis. That was unlike him.

But this felt like Genovese. He was good at using people's weaknesses against them.

He didn't want to think about the bastard, Carl told himself with a sigh, closing his eyes and pressing his hand against his forehead. He wanted to forget about Genovese, forget what a nightmare that man had been in his life. But that wasn't possible.

Genovese knew his weaknesses, and he probably knew by now that he was living with Louis. He would see Louis as just another weakness to exploit.

Which could put Louis in grave danger, now that Genovese was on the loose again. Carl sighed softly, wishing that they'd managed to keep the man locked up, where he belonged. He really should be on the top of their list of criminals to put back behind bars.

He hoped they'd get the chance to so sooner than he thought.


	19. Let the Past Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories of the past still haunt Louis' dreams.

Louis' eyes snapped open, his breath catching in his throat.

He was staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom, and Carl was sleeping peacefully beside him. He was no longer in the home he'd shared with Rebecca and Etienne; this wasn't the night that a bomb had exploded and his son had lost his life.

That dream came back to him so vividly, as though it had just happened yesterday. Would there ever be a time when the memory didn't haunt him?

Louis wanted to sit up, rub at his eyes, and get out of bed; he wanted to make himself a cup of coffee and settle down with paperwork. But he didn't dare let himself do that.

He didn't want to disturb Carl. His boyfriend needed his rest.

 _His boyfriend._ The words brought a smile to his face; he hadn't thought he would ever be able to say them in reference to Carl.

But he could. Carl was his boyfriend now; they were not only dating, but living together. It had been a big step for both of them, but it had felt right at the time, and the fact that they were happy with each other only proved that it had been the _right_ step for them.

Then why did his memories still haunt him? Why couldn't he simply let go of the past, and let himself fully embrace the future that he wanted so badly?

Because the past had been so much a part of his life, a part that he had built and worked on and treasured for so long, he told himself with a soft sigh.

He wouldn't be able to just walk away from those emotions. It might be a very long time before the memories that he had of those years ceased to hurt. But he had to believe that they would; he didn't want to think that those memories would always haunt him and make him sad.

And he didn't want to think that they would always keep him up at night, and disturb his rest during the time that he should be sleeping peacefully beside Carl.

Louis took a deep breath, closing his eyes again.

He wasn't going to let those memories keep getting to him, he told himself firmly. Yes, he would always treasure them, and the good times would always be there in his memory, to look back on fondly.

But he wouldn't let them hold him back from building a new life with Carl. He wouldn't let them interfere with his present happiness, or with his future.

Louis turned over onto his side, reaching out for Carl, placing his hand on his lover's chest and feeling the reassuring beat of his heart. Together, he and Carl would make memories to replace the ones that were doing their best to haunt him and disturb his sleep.

It was time to let the past go, he told himself. And he was going to do just that.


	20. He's Like the Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl is the sun that Louis' life is starting to revolve around.

Louis looked up as Carl came into his home office, sitting down next to him.

He couldn't help but smile; being with Carl always made him happy, even if they were sitting on opposite sides of the room, each busy with their own personal matters.

Just having Carl in his presence made him feel light and happy, in a way that he never had with anyone else. It had never been that way with Rebecca; she had always made him feel as though he had to stop whatever he was doing and pay attention to her.

Carl never gave him that feeling. Carl made him feel joyous, not stressed. Carl had no set expectations of him, and that was how it should be.

Carl was the sun that his life was starting to revolve around.

"What was it that Dorn wanted to talk to you about a few days ago?" Carl asked, his voice carefully neutral and modulated. "I'm assuming it was about us."

Louis sighed before nodding slowly; he should have known that he couldn't keep anything from Carl. This man managed to see everything; those sharp eyes took in all and missed nothing. And he he had to realize that Michael was uneasy about their new relationship.

"Yes, that was it," he admitted, turning to look at Carl. "I told him that this wasn't going to change the team dynamics in any way."

"He thinks this is going to be like you and him, or like what happened between you and me before," Carl muses, shaking his head. "He thinks you'll run away again."

Louis didn't like admitting it, but Carl was right. Reluctantly, he nodded, heaving a sigh and leaning back to look over at Carl. "Yes, that's what he thinks," he said, his voice very soft. "But it won't happen, Carl. That was the past. This is the present."

Carl smiled at him, then leaned forward to brush his lips over Louis' in a sweet, gentle kiss. "I know that, baby. I know you're older and wiser now."

Louis could only nod, the kiss catching him off-guard.

How could this man not be the sun in his sky, the bright light that had managed to shine into all the dark corners of his life? Carl understood him in a way that no one else ever had.

Carl moved closer to him on the couch, one arm sliding around Louis' waist to pull him close against the warmth of Carl's body. He seemed to radiate warmth; Louis couldn't help gravitating to him, turning his face towards Carl as flowers turned towards the sun.

When their lips met, his arms moved around Carl's neck to pull his lover even closer to him, his own body feeling as though he was melting into Carl's arms.

He was like the sun, and Louis couldn't turn away from that brightness.


	21. Taking Some Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl attempts to talk Louis into taking a vacation.

"I think we need to take a vacation."

Carl kept his voice light and unconcerned, but inside, he was holding his breath. He'd meant what he said, and he hoped that Louis would agree.

He was worried about his boyfriend. He hadn't thought that Louis should go back to work so soon after leaving the hospital; he was sure that Louis needed more rest, not just from the physical side of what they did, but from the stress and strain of leading the team.

Carl was sure that the others agreed -- but he knew that Louis didn't. The last thing Louis would agree to do was take a vacation, even a short one.

So somehow, it fell to him to talk his boyfriend into it -- if he could. Carl didn't think that the was the most persuasive of people, especially with someone like Louis, who could be as stubborn as a mule whenever he really didn't want to do something.

But he was going to try his best, and hope that he could be persuasive enough to talk Louis into taking at least a short vacation.

A vacation that would include him.

Could the rest of the team cope on their own for a week or so? Carl was sure that they could; and at the moment, they had no cases, anyway.

Of course, Genovese was still out there, he thought with a grimace. They _had_ to catch that bastard before he destroyed any more lives, but right now, they had no leads on where he was. He seemed to have gone underground, effectively vanishing from sight.

And if they had no clue as to how to find him, then they couldn't go after him. He wanted his revenge, but he would have to be patient.

But for the present, Genovese wasn't his biggest worry.

He could feel that Louis was tiring himself out far too easily; he hadn't taken enough time to fully recover before he'd gone back to work.

Even though Dorn hadn't said anything about it, Carl could sense that he was worried about Louis, too. He didn't think the rest of the team realized just how much every day of work took out of Louis; they were too wrapped up with their work, and their own problems.

But he saw, and so did Dorn. They knew Louis far better than the others did, and they could see when he was pushing himself too hard.

"You've been working too hard," he began, only to be met with Louis holding up a hand and shaking his head, a faint frown between his brows.

"I have been waiting for you to say that, Carl," Louis told him with a sigh. "Yes, I know that I'm getting tired more quickly than I should be. And yes, I might have gone back to work a bit too soon. But I am being careful with my health, I promise you."

Carl had to admit that was true, now that they were together, and Louis felt that he had a future, he _was _trying to take better care of himself.__

__There was no more recklessness, which Carl was glad to eee._ _

__But at the same time, Louis was still pushing himself to be at the peak of his game when it came to their cases, and it was too soon for that._ _

__"You can't keep going like this, Louis," Carl said softly, his gaze locked with his boyfriend's. "I know you want to believe that you're in top form, and honestly, you're close to it. But you're not all the way there yet, and pushing yourself too hard isn't going to help."_ _

__Louis looked away from him, and Carl knew that he was winning this particular battle. Louis couldn't deny that he was trying to do too much._ _

__"It's a good time for a vacation," he said quietly. "For both of us."_ _

__Louis sighed at that, his dark gaze searching Carl's Carl thought it was time to tell a little white lie, one that would benefit Louis as well as himself._ _

__"I've been feeling a little off my game lately, too," he confessed, though he actually was feeling no such thing. But if he could make Louis believe that, then maybe his boyfriend would consent to take at least a short vacation. It would do them both good._ _

__"It didn't realize that you had been feeling tired," Louis said softly, his frown deepening. "Have you told Dorn that you think we both need a break?"_ _

__Carl nodded, deciding that yet another small white lie was in order. He was sure that Dorn would approve of it, and that he would even back Carl up if Louis asked him about it. "Yeah, and he seems to think we do, too. Especially you."_ _

__He could sense that Louis was on the verge of saying no, but with a sigh and shrug of his shoulders, the other man nodded._ _

__"I suppose we _could_ use a short vacation," he said softly, still holding Carl's gaze._ _

__Carl could feel his heart leap at Louis' words; he'd done it, he'd talked his lover into taking a vacation. This had been easier than he'd expected._ _

__Though Louis would probably put up more of a fight as the date approached for them to actually take their vacation, Carl was sure he could counter that. For now, he'd gotten Louis to tentatively agree to taking some time off. That was a good start._ _

__"Then we should talk about where we're going to go to relax for a week," he said, smiling at the other man and feeling grateful that this hadn't been so hard to do._ _

__Now, it only remained to make sure that the vacation actually happened._ _


	22. Time Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even when they're relaxing on a beach in the South of France, Carl doesn't feel that he and Louis have completely left their work behind them.

Now this was what he called paradise.

Carl lay back under the beach umbrella with a soft sigh, feeling happy and contented. He'd actually managed to talk Louis into taking a vacation.

Being here in the South of France wasn't as far away as he would have liked to get, but it was all he'd been able to talk Louis into. He himself had wanted to go to some tropical island, like Fiji, for a week, but Louis had insisted that he wanted to come here.

He had to wonder if this place held some memories for his lover that Louis didn't want to talk about, but now wasn't the time to ask.

No, this was a time to relax and enjoy being with Louis.

And it was a time to stop stressing, and enjoy the time that they had away from work, Carl told himself firmly. He wasn't going to think about their problems.

He wasn't going to think about any cases, or about Genovese, or anything else that they'd faced in the time that they'd been working together in the ICC. He was simply going to revel in the fact that they were here, away from all of the usual stress.

The only problem with that was that he was sure Louis had brought that stress along with him. Even in paradise, Louis would worry, and think about work.

Louis just wasn't the kind of man who would find it easy to put his work behind him, even when he was supposed to be on a vacation, Carl thought with a sigh.

But at least he had managed to get his lover here, away from the office, and into a relaxed atmosphere. Carl looked over at Louis, lying on the beach towel by his side, his hands behind his head and his eyes closed, looking the picture of relaxation.

But Carl knew better. Even here in paradise, his lover wasn't completely relaxed. Chances were that Louis was thinking about one of their cases.

He would simply have to accept that side of his lover's personality.

He was in love with a workaholic, Carl thought with an affectionate smile. But then again, so was Louis. He himself was just as dedicated to his work.

It was one of the things that made him love Louis so much, he told himself, that dedication, that passion for justice. Without it, then Louis wouldn't be the man who he had fallen so completely in love with -- and he wouldn't change his lover in any way.

So he would take things as they were, and enjoy their time away from work in paradise, Carl told himself as he closed his eyes and stretched out on the beach chair.

He hoped that Louis was feeling exactly the same way.


	23. His Own Reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the team has a new case, and Louis has personal reasons for wanting to be the one to go undercover.

"This is far too dangerous for you to go undercover, Louis."

Dorn's voice was flat, expressionless. Louis frowned, shifting slightly on the park bench to face the other man, studying Michael's face in the bright sunlight.

"Michael, the only way that we are going to flush this killer out is to have someone close to him who can give him that last push when it's needed," he said, his voice quiet but firm. "We need to have an operative in his organization, and I am the best one for that job."

the other man sighed, turning to look at him, those dark eyes meeting Louis'. He could read the trepidation in Michael's gaze, the concern for him.

"What would Carl have to say about that?" Michael asked quietly. "Has he agreed?"

Louis swallowed hard, then looked away, shaking his head. '"No, of course he has not. He doesn't know that I will be the one to go undercover."

He knew that Carl would protest strenuously against this, and that it might cause a crack to form in their relationship. Maybe he shouldn't be the one to do this, Louis told himself with a soft sigh. Maybe he should ask Tommy to be the one to go undercover.

But no, he couldn't do that. It would be risky, and _he_ was the leader of this team. He should be the one to shoulder the most risk.

He couldn't ask a member of the team to do something that he wasn't prepared to do himself, especially if it was dangerous. He owed it to the team to take the lead.

"It's not just yourself that you have to think about now, Louis," Michael said, his voice calm and quiet. "You need to think about Carl, as well. You have a relationship with him, one that you've both waited a long time for. You shouldn't carelessly throw yourself into danger."

Louis shook his head, feeling frustrated. "It isn't careless, Michael. I have thought about this very hard, and I feel that I should be the one to take the most risk."

"But does your lover feel that way?" Michael persisted. "He has a say in this, too."

Louis closed his eyes, nodding slowly, accepting Michael's words. "Of course he does. But in the end, I am the one who makes the final decision."

"Because you lead the team," Michael said softly. "And because you think that you should always be the one to put themselves into the most danger. Don't you see, Louis? You can't always put yourself out there. Not now. Not when you have so much to lose."

"I must, Michael." Louis' voice was even firmer now, the words dropping like stones. "It has to be me. I have my reasons for this."

And he intended to keep those reasons a secret -- even from the man he loved.


	24. So Much To Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl discovers the reason for Louis' preoccupied silences lately -- and wishes that he hadn't.

Carl looked up from his book with a frown, watching Louis.

He knew that there was something wrong when his boyfriend was this quiet. Something was bothering Louis, and he wanted to know what it was.

There had been a stillness about him all day long, as though he wanted to say something, but held himself back from uttering the words. Once or twice, Carl had thought that he was going to open up, but then Louis had seemed to change his mind about speaking.

Well, they would have to talk about whatever it was sooner or later, Carl told himself. He just hoped that this issue wasn't something that would make them argue.

He hated fighting with Louis. Fortunately, they rarely argued.

The only things that really made them raise their voices to each other always involved the team and their work. Often, they had differing opinions.

In the end, Carl usually gave in -- a lot of the time, he felt that he had no choice, as Louis was the leader of the team. What he said was the final word, and even though Carl would always try to put his two cents in, they always went with Louis' instincts.

After all, Louis _did_ have the most experience in dealing with the international cases they worked on. Carl knew that it was best to defer to that experience.

Still, this silence boded ill, and he wanted to know what was causing it. The only thing to do was to jump right in and ask Louis about it.

"Louis, what's eating at you?" he asked, finally putting down the book he'd been pretending to read, sighing as he looked directly into his lover's face when Louis lifted his head from his own book. "You've been quiet all night. I know that means there's trouble."

Louis smiled slightly, shaking his head. "There is no trouble, Carl. I simply have a lot on my mind. And yes, before you ask, it _does_ involve the team, and the case."

"I thought so," Carl said with another sigh. "Care to tell me what's bugging you?"

Louis' sigh mirrored his own; he put down the book he'd been reading, looking directly at Carl, not flinching or looking away as he spoke.

"I will be the one to go undercover on this case, Carl. Yes, I know that you don't want me to take that risk, but I cannot, in good conscience, let Tommy or Sebastian do something that I would not be willing to take on myself. And they don't have the experience that I do."

Carl could only stare at him, open-mouthed, not knowing what to say. This time, the silence was coming from him -- and he had no idea what to say to break it.

There was so much that he _wanted_ to say, but he didn't know where to begin.


	25. The Silence Is Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis knows that Carl being ominously silent is always the prelude to a storm of angry words.

Carl was silent, looking down at his clenched hands.

Louis could feel his stomach twisting into knots; when Carl was silent, that always presaged a storm. He knew that his boyfriend was angry, even if it didn't show at the moment.

Carl had every right to be angry, really. Louis _was_ putting his life on the line; being the one of the team to go undercover on a dangerous mission went against several things that he had promised Carl. But he didn't feel that, in good conscience, he could let anyone do this.

Not only that, but he had his own personal reasons for wanting to go undercover on the particular case, and he didn't intend to reveal them to Carl. Or to anyone, for that matter.

No one needed to know. They would only try to talk him out of it if they did.

He wouldn't allow himself to be talked out of this, no matter what Carl said. As much as he loved this man, he had to do what he felt was right.

Louis hoped that Carl would understand that, and even if he didn't agree with it, that he would respect why Louis was doing this. He didn't want his decision to cause a crack in their relationship; he didn't want this to come between himself and his lover.

After being without Carl for so long, having this man back in his life, getting a second chance with him, was something he treasured more than he'd thought he would.

Perhaps he was doing the wrong thing by taking on this undercover mission. Maybe he would live to regret it. But he couldn't turn away. Not now.

If he did, then he felt that he would somehow be betraying himself, and his conscience. He wanted Carl to understand that, but he didn't want to have to explain it in so many words. He wanted his lover to trust that he was doing what he had to do.

Carl's silence was ominous; it was obvious that he was thinking, and that there was a storm building inside him. Louis hoped that it wouldn't break over him.

Most of all, he hoped that it wouldn't distance the two of them.

When Carl finally looked up at him, Louis could see the shadow of doubt in his eyes, but he nodded, letting out a soft sigh as he closed his eyes.

"If this is what you feel like you've got to do, then I'll support you, Louis," he said, breaking his silence at last. "But I'm going to be right there with you, as close to you as I can be without exposing your cover. I'm not going to let you take any unnecessary risks."

Louis nodded slowly, knowing that this was the best he was going to get. At least the silence had been broken, and now maybe they could discuss the situation.

His gaze met Carl's waiting silently for whatever his lover had to say.


	26. At the Center of Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is having second thoughts about being the lead on this undercover mission.

This wasn't really where he wanted to be. 

Louis sighed softly, knowing that he had made a mistake when he had decided to be the one who headed this mission. He should have let someone else do it.

He had too much in his life to live for now -- he had Carl, and the second chance he'd wanted for years. Why had he been so foolish as to put himself at risk, to put everything he wanted to build with Carl in their future at risk? Why had he wanted to play the hero?

Perhaps because he still felt guilty over not protecting his wife and child in the past. But he should be over that by now. Neither death had been his fault.

Still, the guilt lingered, making him do stupid things.

He couldn't back out of this now; he was at the eye of the hurricane, in the center, and it was too last to send anyone else in, even as a backup for him.

He had to see this through, had to get past the danger and survive. He had to make it out of here, get back to Carl and the life they were building together. They already had a strong foundation; now they were putting together the rest of their future, brick by brick.

It had been foolish to risk that future, foolish to do this. Michael had known it, and had tried to warn him. Louis was sure that Carl had known it, too.

But his boyfriend had let him do what he had to do; Carl knew that he wouldn't back down. The man knew him all too well, possibly better than he knew himself.

Did Carl know that he would be having second thoughts about what he was doing? Did Carl even begin to guess how much he regretted putting his life, and their future, at risk? If he did, then he had been a brave man indeed to let Louis do this.

At least he wasn't being shot at, he told himself, placing a hand on his shoulder. It was as though he could still feel the pain from the last time he had taken a bullet.

He could easily be shot again if his deception was discovered.

No, he wasn't going to let that happen, Louis told himself firmly. He had done things like this before, and he had always come out safe and intact.

He would do so again. He wasn't going to be caught -- he would be cautious, and he would manage to get the information they so badly needed. By the time he had that information and was out of here, it would be too late for their enemies to do anything.

At the moment, he was in the center of everything, at the eye of the hurricane. But he would he out of here soon enough, and back with Carl, where he belonged.

Louis just prayed that things would go as he planned.


	27. Silent No Longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl wishes that he hadn't kept silent and let Louis go on a dangerous undercover mission.

He hated this situation. Hated it with all of his being.

Carl turned over in bed, glancing at the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was four in the morning; he would have to get up in another couple of hours.

He wondered where Louis was, if his boyfriend was all right. He hated knowing that the man he loved was on an undercover mission, and that he couldn't be here by Carl's side, safe in bed with him, where he belonged. He hated that Louis was taking this kind of a chance.

Hadn't he promised that there would be no more separations? Hadn't he told Carl that the two of them wouldn't have to fear for each other's lives any more?

Of course, in their line of work, that promise couldn't be kept.

He sighed, rolling over onto his back and staring up sightlessly at the ceiling. He should have insisted that somebody else take this mission, put his foot down.

But he didn't have that kind of authority within the team. He and Louis might be lovers, but Louis was still the leader of the ICC team, and Carl wasn't going to be given preferential treatment. It was something that they had both promised themselves they wouldn't do.

It was just so damn hard to lie here and wonder about Louis' safety, to not know where the man he loved was, what he was doing, if he needed protection.

Well, of course he needed protection, Carl thought sourly. He was undercover in a dangerous cartel; if he was found out, he would be killed on the spot.

Yes, he needed protection. He needed Carl there by his side. _Both_ of them should have gone on this mission, he told himself. Now, after the fact, he was realizing that he should have insisted on Louis having some kind of backup there with him.

It was too late now. And his silence on the matter just might be what it took for Louis' luck to run out, and to get him killed. This might be the last mission he would ever go on.

Carl closed his eyes tightly, pushing that thought away from him.

He shouldn't have been silent. He should have talked to Louis, to Dorn, even to the rest of the team, if that had been what it took to make sure that Louis was safe.

If his silence cost Louis his life, then he would never forgive himself. Just chalk it up to one more in the long line of mistakes he'd made throughout his life, and spend the rest of his days atoning for it and wishing that he'd stepped forward and broken the silence.

Carl dashed his hand across his face, shocked to realize that he was crying silently. Yet one more silence that he was keeping. He was silent far too often.

When Louis came back to him, he would be silent about his feelings no longer.


	28. Never Second Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Louis wants to do is get home safely from this mission and tell Carl the words he should have said before he left.

Louis closed his eyes, listening intently. All was quiet.

How had he gotten himself into this? Why had he been stupid enough to insist on being sent on this undercover mission, rather than staying with his team?

He had been a fool to put himself in this position. He should have known that he would be found out. And he was here on his own, stranded, away from his team, with no one knowing of the precarious position he was in at the moment. They weren't aware of the danger.

Well, yes, they were -- but they didn't know that his identity had been discovered. There had been no way to get any kind of message to any of them, not even to Carl.

His boyfriend didn't know that his life was threatened.

What if he died here, away from Carl, without having seen the man he loved one last time and told him exactly how he felt? What if Carl didn't know just how much he was loved?

That was ridiculous, Louis told himself firmly, clutching his gun more tightly and debating if he should risk looking around he corner of the alley he was currently hiding in. Carl knew that he was loved. He shouldn't have any doubts about that. There was no reason for him to doubt.

But yet, Louis was here, and not with his lover. What if Carl felt that this mission had been more important to him than what the two of them shared?

What if Carl felt that he was somehow second best? That was the last thing Louis wanted him to feel, because it wasn't true. Carl came first. He _always_ came first.

He wanted Carl to know that he would always come first, that he hadn't been somehow pushed aside because of Louis wanting to be the one who took on this mission. If the man he loved didn't realize that, then he had made a terrible mistake by being here.

It had been a mistake from the beginning, Louis thought, grimacing. He hadn't expected things to go this badly. He'd thought that he would get out unobserved.

Well, that wasn't possible now. He should have known better.

He could only hope that he would get out safely, and make his way back to Carl and to the team with minimal physical damage. That was the best he could do.

He'd thought that this would end so differently, with himself bringing down the criminals and the team coming in with the police to help take them away to jail. But somehow, he'd been found out, and now all he could do was run. There would be no victory. Not this time.

Louis was sure that he heard a sound at the end of the alley. Had they found his hiding place, then? He gripped his gun more tightly, prepared to shoot at the slightest provocation.

His only thought was to get home and assure Carl that he was _never_ second best.


	29. Under Cover of Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis wonders what Carl would do in the situation he's currently facing.

Louis lifted his gun, listening intently.

He couldn't hear anything, not so much as a footstep or the sound of breathing. But then, the men who were after him were very good at hiding.

He wasn't going to make it out of here alive unless he was very, very careful -- and then he would still need a great deal of luck to be on his side. If he could just make it to the car he'd been driving since he undertook this mission, then he'd be able to get away.

But that car was still more than a block away, and he had no idea if there was anyone between him and the vehicle who could intercept him before he made it to safety.

It was a chance he was going to have to take.

Keeping close to the ground, he moved from one alleyway to another, until he was nearly at the end of the block. The car was close now -- only a few more feet.

The problem was that he would be completely exposed during that short dash to the car -- and he had no idea how many men might have their guns trained on him. He'd been in the crosshairs before, but never when he didn't _know_ just how many enemies were gunning for him.

Not only did he have no idea how many there were, he didn't know exactly _where_ they were. They could be hidden in the alleys, behind cars, on rooftops.

What would Carl do in a situation like this? he asked himself. He knew the answer immediately. His boyfriend would take no prisoners, and run out with guns blazing.

Carl took crazy chances, and that was something that he would never want Louis to do in this position. If Carl was here, he would advise Louis to hold back, to judge when it was most prudent to make a dash for the car -- and to pray that he'd make it there safely.

That was what he'd have to do, Louis decided. He couldn't wait here indefinitely; that would make it too easy for him to be found. He had to use the element of surprise.

His heart in his throat, he moved forward, preparing to run.

Under cover of darkness, he moved quickly to within a few feet of the car; he just had to clear that small area of the pavement, pull the door open, and gun the engine.

Louis clutched the keys in one hand, his gun in the other, and sprang from the alley towards the car. Instantly, he heard a volley of gunfire all around him, but miraculously, he managed to roll behind the car without being hit, wrenching the door open and jamming the keys into the ignition.

He gunned the engine, slammed the car into drive and pressed the pedal before he allowed himself to think, dimly hearing more shots as he sped away.

He'd done it. He was going home to safety.


	30. A Faraway Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that he's safely back with the team at home, Louis' time undercover feels like a dream to him.

He was back in Paris, with his team, with his friends. Back where he belonged.

But Louis couldn't help feeling that everyone was too concerned about him.

"Carl, I am fine," he said for what felt like the hundredth time as his lover's hands moved over him, searching for broken bones or blood. Fortunately, there were none to find.

"You took way too much of a chance," Carl told him, his voice stern. "You shouldn't have been there, Louis. That's the last time we let you go alone into a situation that could get you killed." Louis could hear the relief in Carl's voice, and it made him smile.

The time that he'd spent on that undercover mission already seemed like a dream; it was as though it had happened to someone else long ago, not him.

And now, they had enough evidence to put those murderers away for good.

Yes, Carl was right -- he _had_ taken a terrible risk. But he had come out of it alive, if not completely unscathed, and everything was going to work out. It was the last time he intended to take such a risk; he wouldn't go on another mission like that on his own.

He had done a lot of thinking while he'd been undercover, and he had come to the conclusion that his life with Carl, their future, was something that he didn't want to risk again.

His team had been right. He might not have felt that he had much to live for in the past, but now, he had a future to build with someone he loved. A future that he shouldn't risk.

This would be the last time he'd go out into the field -- at least without any backup. He'd known that it could be risky, and it had proven to be so. He would have to let Carl give him all of those stored-up "I told you so's" when they got home, but somehow, Louis didn't think he would mind.

He was just happy to be back where he belonged.

He was happy to be alive, and safe -- and to know that he _would_ be able to go home with Carl, to relax in his lover's arms and know that life was good.

He'd been lucky to get out of the situation he'd been in without being shot -- as it was, he had a lot of bruises, and a graze on his shoulder where a bullet had whizzed by him. But other than being stiff and a little bloody, it was nothing serious -- all in all, he'd been extremely fortunate.

All of what he'd dealt with undercover already seemed like a faraway dream, one that he would have to make a report on, and then push it away.

As he took Carl's hand and smiled at him, Louis let himself relax.

The dream was over -- and now his real life could finally begin.


	31. Enjoying Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that he's safely at home with Carl, Louis doesn't want either of them to think about danger and death.

"I kept having horrible dreams about your death."

Carl's voice was very soft, and Louis could hear the slight tremble in his tone. It was strange to hear Carl's voice shaking, when he knew that his love was a strong man.

"You shouldn't have had those kinds of dreams," Louis told him, keeping his own voice even, yet soft and reassuring. "Yes, I was in danger, but I can take care of myself."

"I know you can." Carl sighed, the sound one of resignation. "I've never doubted that for a second, Louis. You've been in law enforcement for a long time, and you've been in worse situations than going undercover and being made. But I can't help worrying about you."

Louis nodded, knowing exactly how Carl felt. "I know, my love, I know. If it had been you, then I would have worried about you, too. But as you can see, I came through it intact."

Louis smiled, holding out his arms to the man he loved.

Carl moved closer to Louis in bed, wrapping his arms around the shorter man and pulling him close. Louis closed his eyes, sighing contentedly and letting himself relax in his lover's embrace; nothing felt quite so good as feeling Carl's arms around him and knowing that he was loved.

He'd never felt like this with Rebecca, or with anyone else he'd ever been with. Just more proof that Carl was the one for him, and always had been.

"All I could think about every time I closed my eyes was you dying, and us never seeing each other again," Carl said, one hand stroking Louis' hair. "It was awful."

Louis nodded, his heart feeling as though it was being twisted into a knot. "I'm sorry that I put you through that, Carl," he murmured, holding on tightly to his lover. "I didn't mean to. I didn't realise that you would take me being gone so badly. It won't happen again."

He hoped that he was telling the truth with those words.

He was, wasn't he? He didn't have to go undercover to face danger and even possible death. Their team did that on a daily basis, each and every one of them.

Now wasn't the time to think about death, not now when he was wrapped in his lover's arms and they were together. He didn't want either of them to even contemplate such a thing, not when they could enjoy each other and revel in the fact that they were here, right where they both wanted to be.

"Let's not think about death now," he said softly, raising a hand to trace the outline of Carl's lips with a gentle fingertip. "I'd much rather think about love."

The answering smile on Carl's face told him that his boyfriend was thinking the same thing. There was no doubt that Carl agreed with him.

And it also let him know that they _would_ enjoy love for the rest of their evening.


	32. It's Cold Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis reflects on how his past life compares to his new life with Carl.

"I hope you won't be going anywhere for a while now that you're finally home and I know you're safe," Carl told Louis with a frown. "I don't want to deal with that again."

Louis shook his head, quite sure that he was telling the absolute truth when he said that he wouldn't take on any more undercover cases. That had been his last one.

He didn't have only himself to think of any more.

"I won't be going anywhere," he assured Carl as he took the mug of coffee his boyfriend handed him. "I'll leave all of the undercover work to Tommy from now one. I promise."

It really wasn't a hard promise to make. Now that he had Carl in his life, he didn't want to take any more risks than he had to. Doing things like that was all in the past.

He should have made that kind of a promise when he'd had Rebecca and Etienne in his life, but he hadn't. He had been a younger man then, and he had been on fire with the need to make his mark in the world. He had taken far too many risks, and as a consequence, had distanced himself from his family.

Then Etienne had died, and he and Rebecca had drifted apart. And when she had died, they were really as strangers to each other. They hadn't been close for years.

It had mainly been because of his work; it had come between them almost from the beginning. This time, he wasn't going to let that happen. Not with Carl.

But of course, with Carl, it was completely different.

Carl _shared_ his work. He was part of the team, and he knew what it was like to be a cop, to be involved in law enforcement. He didn't have Rebecca's distance from the work.

No, Carl knew exactly what he did, and why he was so committed to it -- because he had that same commitment. Which really did make them the perfect pair.

"It's cold out there," Carl said, nodding towards the front window, where Louis could see the first snowflakes beginning to fall. "It's a good thing we didn't have to go in today, with the snow. I think we all needed a little bit of a break. Here's hoping that no international incidents happen for the next couple of days."

Louis nodded, laughing softly as he did so. He knew that no snowfall, no matter how bad it might be, would deter his team members from their job.

Even if there had been a blizzard, they would be working if they were needed. That was simply the kind of people they all were -- hard-working and completely dedicated.

But that was why Carl understood him so well -- they were cut from the same cloth, just as the rest of the team members were. They all understood just how each one of them felt about what they did, because they all felt the same. They were united in their dogged prsuit of justice.

Rebecca had never felt that. She had never really known what it was like to have such a strong sense of commitment; she could have walked away from her job as a lawyer at any time.

In fact, she would have been perfectly happy to do that, and to just be a wife and mother. But for some reason, she had waited too long for that -- and it had destroyed their happiness.

But that was in the past, Louis told himself firmly. No use crying over spilt milk.

There was no point in thinking about the past. It was over and done, completely behind him. What he had to look forward to now was his life with Carl, a life that had infinite possibilities.

Yes, it was cold outside .... But here, in their home, it was warm and comfortable, matching the warmth that they felt for each other in their hearts.

He was right where he wanted to be, with the man he wanted to be with. They had both come through the fire to be with each other, and they were both a little world-weary and singed from those flames. But they'd made it to the other side, and being together was their reward.

"Baby, it's cold outside, but it is quite warm in here," he murmured, moving closer to Carl on the couch. "And I think we should celebrate having the rest of the day -- and the weekend -- to ourselves."

That could change at any moment, he knew. They might not have the entire weekend to themselves. They could have a new case at any time.

But for the moment, they could celebrate their free time.

Louis knew exactly how he wanted to do that. Smiling, he stood up, holding out a hand to Carl and waiting for the other man to get to his feet.

Without a word, he led the way to their bedroom, not caring that their coffee would get cold. It might be cold outside, but he intended for the two of them to be very warm indeed.


	33. The Most Important Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl has something to ask Louis, and he's worried about what the answer might be.

Carl ambled along the street towards the home he shared with Louis, reaching into his pocket and closing his fingers around the small velvet box.

What would Louis say when he popped the question?

He'd never asked anyone to marry him before. He'd never _wanted_ to be married before. And he had certainly never though that he'd be married to a man.

But his love for Louis changed everything in his life. Nothing was the same as it had been before Louis had come back into his life, both as a teammate and as a lover.

Their relationship was complicated; he didn't know quite how to explain it. But there _was_ one simple truth that shone through, one thing in their lives that wasn't complicated, one thing that he knew just as well as he knew his own name, one thing that was perfectly clear to him.

He loved Louis. And Louis loved him. The two of them belonged together, and they always would. Which was why he had made up his mind of ask that question.

Carl wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing. He wasn't even sure if Louis would say yes. But he knew that he _had_ to ask. He had to know what that answer would be.

If it was no, then he would still keep the ring.

He wouldn't give up after the first question. Maybe it was too soon. Maybe Louis would need time. But he knew that even if the answer was no, it wouldn't be the end for them.

They would simply keep on as they were, living together, working together, being a couple, and growing closer. And eventually, he would pull out that ring, get down on his knees, look into his lover's eyes, and ask him again. He would keep doing that until he got the answer he wanted.

Louis might not want to get married now; he might have a million reasons as to why they couldn't. But he couldn't deny that the two of them belonged together, and that they loved each other.

Louis would never deny the truth, and Carl knew it.

But even though Louis would readily agree with him that they were in love and belonged together, it remained to be seen if Louis would want to get married.

He had been married before, after all. And even though Carl knew that Louis was over the death of his wife, and that he'd left his former marriage in the past where it belonged, he might not be ready to make that kind of commitment again. Marriage was a big step, a huge change in anyone's life.

But wasn't it almost as though they were already married? he asked himself. They lived together, and they had grown comfortable with each other in the past months.

In most ways, they already _were_ married. The only thing thing that would change was their legal status, and possibly their names if they chose to hyphenate them.

Carl couldn't help but smile at that thought; he rather liked the sound of _Carl Hickman-Daniel_. And he liked the sound of _Louis Daniel-Hickman_ even better. There was just something about having lover take on part of his name that gave him the warm fuzzies.

That was really saying something, as he had never been the kind of guy who confessed to having warm feelings. It was hard for him to let his inner emotions show.

Though it was never hard to do with Louis. It never had been.

Saying those three little words to Louis had been so easy. He hadn't thought it would be, but they had simply slipped out, almost without him realizing it.

Those words had never come easily with anyone else, and he had rarely said them. And Carl had to wonder if he'd really meant them the few times that he'd uttered them. He didn't think so. Because, somehow, whenever he had, Louis had always been there, in the back of his mind.

He'd always loved Louis. There was no reason for him not admit it, to himself and to everyone in the world. That love had never faded, never died. It had only grown with time.

And now, he knew that his love was returned.

So why was he asking himself questions, when the only question he needed to ask was the one that he so desperately wanted to put to Louis?

There was no need to ask himself anything. He knew what he wanted to do, and what he _would_ do, when he felt that the time was right.

No, he wasn't going to wait for what seemed like the right time, Carl told himself firmly. He was going to ask Louis as soon as he could. No, that wasn't right, either. He would ask tonight. They would have a quiet dinner at home, and then he would get down on his knees and propose.

Even if Louis said no, he would still have planted the seed. It would germinate in his lover's mind, and the next time he asked, then Louis would be more likely to say yes.

But why was he expected to be turned down? There was no reason for him to think that way. There was just as much of a chance of Louis saying yes as there was of him saying no.

Something in him was sure that the answer would be yes.

Louis wouldn't say no. He was sure of it. He couldn't let himself think that his boyfriend would turn him down; he just didn't think that Louis had any doubts about them.

The answer would be yes, he was sure of it. And the moment he heard that simple word, that one single syllable, he would be flying high amongst the clouds. He would be the happiest man in the universe, and the didn't think that he'd ever come down from those lofty heights.

Now, all the had to do was keep his excitement and anticipation hidden until after dinner. It wouldn't be easy, but Carl thought he could do it. Just this once.

And then, his question would be asked -- and answered.

Carl jogged up the steps of their home, taking out his keys. Tonight, he would ask the most important question of his life. And he hoped that the answer would be the one he most wanted to hear.


	34. Say Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl is nervous about asking Louis a question that he desperately needs and affirmative answer to.

Carl glanced up at Louis, feeling nervous and jumpy.

He was disconcerted to find his boyfriend staring at him, a frown line between his brows. Louis could obviously tell that there was something on his mind.

He'd been asking himself all night if this was the right time to ask Louis to marry him; a part of him wanted to get down on his knees, pop the question, and get it over with.

But another part of him dreaded to hear Louis' answer. He was afraid that the man he loved would say no, that he wasn't ready for that kind of a commitment. After all, Louis had been married before, and though he was long over the pain of losing his wife, he might not be ready for marriage.

And this would be far different from his first marriage. This time, he would be married to a man, and people would view him differently than they always had because of it.

The team wouldn't give them a hard time about it. No, the people they worked with would accept them, and be happy that they had found joy with each other.

Other people, who didn't know them .... well, that was a different story.

But he shouldn't let that keep him from asking the man he loved to spend the rest of their lives together, united in legal marriage as well as in their hearts, a voice in the back of his mind argued.

It shouldn't be so hard to do this, Carl thought with a sigh. And he shouldn't have to feel so nervous, wondering what Louis was going to say, what his answer would be.

This should be easy to do. He should simply get down on his knees, take Louis' hand, ask the question, and present him with the beautiful engagement ring he'd bought. He should be able to hear the word "yes" from his lover's lips, look into those velvety dark eyes, and see all the love in the world residing there.

Instead, he had never felt so nervous about anything in his life. In fact, he felt a little sick, and he couldn't help thinking that this was much more difficult than he'd ever dreamed it could be.

"Carl, what is wrong?" Louis asked him, his voice breaking the silence. Carl could hear the worry in his boyfriend's tone; he hated that he was causing that kind of anxiety.

He slowly raised his head, trying to affect a nonchalant expression. But he knew that he probably looked anxious and worried himself, which, of course, was only going to make Louis worry more. And if he knew his boyfriend, Louis would press him for answers until he found out what the problem was.

He had to ask Louis _now_. This _was_ the right time; he'd waited long enough. He was going to make this as romantic as he could, and hope that the answer would be what he wanted to hear.

Carl slipped out of his chair and moved to kneel beside Louis, looking up at his boyfriend. He knew that he probably looked anxious, but he couldn't help it.

"I have something to ask you," he whispered, his mouth dry, his throat tight.

His gaze met Louis', and suddenly, the words were tumbling out, words that he hadn't known were inside him, words that he'd thought he would never be able to say.

"Louis, I've loved you ever since we first met. I've never been as happy as I am now, and I want us to stay together for all of our lives," he began. "I want to be with you for eternity."

Reaching into his pocket, he removed the small velvet box, holding it up and opening it so that Louis could see the flash of the diamond ring inside as its facets caught the light. The words caught in his throat, but they came out without much of a hitch. "Louis Alain Daniel, will you marry me?"

Louis' dark eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open. Carl almost wanted to laugh; it was a phenomenon that he'd heard about, but never seen. Now he knew what it looked like.

"Yes," Louis whispered, his voice a mere thread of sound in the quiet that surrounded them. "Yes," he said again, his voice stronger this time. "Yes, my love, I will marry you."

Carl was sure that his heart was going to burst with happiness.

Yes. Louis had said _yes_. The man he loved more than life itself was going to marry him. Louis was going to be his husband. They would be married. Together. Forever.

Not that they wouldn't have been together if they had never gotten married, he told himself as he got to his feet. But this way, they would be legal. Married. It seemed too good to be true.

"You've just made me the happiest man in the world by saying yes," he murmured, taking the ring from its box and sliding it onto Louis' finger. Of course, it fit. He'd known Louis' ring size, and he'd been sure to have the ring sized for him. He had wanted his proposal to be perfect.

Maybe it hadn't been absolutely perfect in every way, due to his nervousness. But he'd popped the question, and he'd gotten the answer that he had most wanted.

"You've made me the happiest man in the universe by asking me," Louis answered, his dark eyes shining with unshed tears. Carl knew in his heart that they were happy tears.

He realized that he was blinking back happy tears of his own.

Married. He was going to be married to the man he loved. Their lives would be twined together irrevocably from here on out, for better or for worse. 

It would be for the better, Carl told himself as he pulled Louis into his arms and their lips met in a sweet, tender kiss full of promise for their future. He would make sure of that.


	35. An Open Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis muses on his future with Carl as a married couple.

He had said yes. He was going to marry Carl.

Louis couldn't hold back a smile as he lifted his hand to admire the engagement ring on his finger. It seemed so right, so natural. He'd never been happier in his life.

It still seemed almost unbelievable to him that he was actually _engaged_ to the man he loved. He hadn't expected this to happen. He'd never thought that Carl would ask.

He'd thought that Carl would be perfectly happy to simply be together, to be a couple without the bonds of marriage. He should have known better, really. For all of his protests of being a rebel, in some ways, Carl was a traditional man. Being married to the person he loved was important to him.

As for himself, Louis had thought that his first marriage would be the only one. He hadn't contemplated being married to Carl, as he'd thought that it would never happen.

But now, doors were opening to the future, and marriage was one of them. What had seemed impossible was now going to happen, and he was glad of it.

Being married to Carl was going to be wonderful.

Of course, there would be people who would look askance at them, who would shake their heads and wonder if Louis had gone insane. But he didn't care about their opinions.

The only thing that mattered was that he and Carl were happy. The two of them belonged together; they were indeed two halves of one whole, melding together perfectly.

Not only were they a good couple in their personal lives, they made a formidable professional team. They worked well together; the team came together around the two of them, and even Michael Dorn admitted that Carl and Louis were the heart and soul of the team, the ones who pulled it together.

They had managed to find a happy medium between their work and their personal lives, something that he had never been able to do with Rebecca.

He had loved her, in his own way. But Carl was the person who he was intended for, the true love of his life. Carl was the person who his heart had always reached out for.

A whole new life was starting for him, when he'd thought that his life was as good as over. And he was going to grab hold of that life with everything that he had, and live it to the fullest. It was an unexpected gift, and he wasn't going to turn his back on this second chance that he'd been given.

What would being married to Carl be like? he asked himself, smiling broadly. Oh, it would be wonderful, all right, and it would probably also be frustrating.

The two of them wouldn't always get along. He was prepared for that. They would have times when they fought like cats and dogs. He was sure of it. They would have arguments.

But through it all, they would still be in love. After all, they belonged together. 

He'd loved Carl from the first moment they had met. There had been a meeting of souls when their gazes had met; he had known that he belonged to this man.

Back then, he'd been afraid to acknowledge how he felt; he had run from those emotions, and he had spent far too many years regretting his actions.

Oh, he had made a decent life for himself. But with the death of his son, that life had fallen apart; he had wandered in a haze of grief after that. If Carl hadn't come back into his life, he would have probably been dead by now; he would have been too reckless, too careless with his safety.

Thankfully, that hadn't happened. He and Carl were together now, and they would stay together for the rest of their lives. Louis hoped that their life together would be a long and happy one.

He couldn't know what the future held for them. No one could. But whatever that future was, he would embrace it with open arms, and an open heart.

Louis couldn't stop smiling as he looked at the ring, the symbol of their union.

The future was wide open, and there were a million possibilities in store for them.

Whatever that future held, he was more than ready for it.


	36. A Happy Life Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael finally admits that he was wrong about his initial assessment of Louis and Carl's personal relationship.

"I was wrong, Louis, and I freely admit it."

Louis stared at Michael, his brows raised in question, feeling somewhat shocked that his longtime friend would say such a thing. Michael _hated_ to admit he was ever wrong.

"That is saying a great deal, coming from you," he answered, waiting for Michael to sit down on the park bench next to him. They always seemed to have their meetings here; for some reason, it tended to be a place that they both gravitated towards when they needed to talk.

"I had thought that Carl would be your weakness, Louis," Michael said softly, turning his head to meet Louis' direct gaze. "I had thought that your relationship was a mistake. I was wrong."

Louis couldn't hold back a smile at his friend's words.

"Does this mean that you approve of our marriage?" he asked, keeping his voice very soft. "I was wondering just how you would feel about our announcement."

Michael sighed softly, looking down at his hands. "Louis, I can't say that I am a modern man. I know that you and Carl love each other, but two men being married still feels like a very strange thing to me. However .... you two have been through a great deal, and you both deserve to be loved."

Louis nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly with his friend.

"Yes, we do," he said, his own voice very soft. "Carl and I have always deserved our chance at happiness, Michael. And now that we finally have that chance, we are not going to give it up. But neither will we give up what we do. It's too much a part of who we both are."

"I had mistakenly thought that the two of you being a couple would be a hazard to the team," Michael told him, his voice quiet. "But I was also wrong about that. It's an asset."

Louis nodded, holding back his smile of contentment.

"Thank you for saying that, Michael," he said, keeping his tone measured and even. "It means a great deal to me to know that you see the two of us being together as a good thing."

"I want to see you happy, Louis," Michael told him, smiling for the first time. "Both of you. You are colleagues, and more than that, you're dear friends. I care a great deal about the two of you, and I think it's wonderful to see you both so happy. I wish you and Carl a long and happy life together."

"That means more to me than I could ever say, my friend," Louis said softly, feeling his heart swell with gratitude. "Thank you, Michael. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart."

The two of them sat in silence, enjoying the sunshine and the pleasant day.

Louis closed his eyes, raising his face to the sun, unable to hold back another smile. Life was good. Right now, life was perfect. And it was only going to keep getting better.


	37. A Day To Treasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of Carl's wedding to Louis is the happiest day he's ever known.

The sunlight was filtered through the trees around the wedding chapel; it fell across the stained-glass windows, making brilliant prisms on the floor and walls.

Carl couldn't keep himself from smiling as he looked around.

He was going to marry the man he loved today. He and Louis would be joined as one, and he would be the happiest man in the universe.

He already _was_ happier than he'd ever dreamed that he could be. Today was only going to take that happiness further, and make sure that it would last forever.

They _were_ forever. He would be with Louis for the rest of his life, and beyond. He truly believed that, more than he had ever believed in anything before in his entire life. Louis was his future; Louis was the person he belonged with, the man he wanted to spend eternity with.

Eternity, with Louis in his arms. Just the thought made Carl smile, and wish that time would speed along faster so that he could meet Louis at the altar and marry him.

He could already hear Louis saying his vows in that sexy, deep voice, that French accent that always sent a shiver of pleasure down his spine whenever his lover spoke.

He was so utterly, completely in love.

At an earlier point in his life, he might have been ashamed to admit that. He had always been a man who turned away from softer feelings, claiming that he didn't need them.

But he'd been wrong about that, and it had taken reconnecting with Louis to prove that fact to him. He _needed_ this man, needed the love that they shared.

What would his life have been like if he and Louis hadn't found each other again, if Louis hadn't been willing to take him into the ICC team and give him a second chance? Carl shuddered to think of the man he more than likely would have become; he didn't want to think about it.

He _wouldn't_ think about it, he told himself firmly, pushing those thoughts away and slamming a mental door on them. Not on his wedding day.

This was the happiest day of his life, and nothing was going to mar it. He was marrying the man he loved with all of his heart and soul, and nothing could dim his joy.

All of his closest friends were here, the people who shared his life, the people he cared about the most. They had all watched his relationship with Louis bloom, and they had all wanted to see both of them happy. That meant more to him than he could ever put into words.

He could see Dorn sitting in the front pew when he peeked out of the doorway at the back of the church. Carl had to smile at the other man's obvious pride in being there.

Michael hadn't always approved of his relationship with Louis, but he had finally accepted it, and wished them a long life together filled with happiness.

Coming from him, those were treasured words.

Everything about this day would be a treasure that he could hold close to his heart. It was a day to remember, a day to rejoice in and count his blessings.

Not the least of those blessings was the fact that the man he loved wanted to marry him and entwine their lives together -- not just as working colleagues, but as partners in every way.

This was a kind of happiness that he'd never though he could possibly feel. He had always thought that these feelings were for other people to enjoy, not for him. He'd been resigned to going through life alone, to feeling that he would always be on the outside of emotion, forever looking in.

But again, Louis had changed all that. Louis had shown him what real love could be -- and now that he had found it, Carl had no intention of ever letting it go.

Was there anyone else in the world who had ever loved like this, so deeply, so strongly? Carl didn't think so. He was sure that his love for Louis could outshine the stars.

Well, it would damn sure give those stars a good run for their money.

They had chosen Tommy as their best man; the Irishman was standing up and moving to his place near the altar, reaching into his pocket for the rings.

It was nearly time for the two of them to walk up the aisle to the altar, which they were going to do hand in hand. He and Louis, together, the way that they had always been meant to be. The way that they would be for the rest of their lives. A couple, inseparable, growing ever more deeply in love every day.

Carl took a deep breath as the door to the small room opened and Louis smiled at him, holding out his hand. "Are you ready?" he asked, his voice very soft.

Carl nodded, taking his lover's hand. "As ready as I'll ever be."

Those words made Louis smile as the two of them moved through the door and up the aisle, both of them smiling at the beaming faces that had all been turned to them.

Carl felt as though he was walking into the beginning of a long, happy life. A life that he wanted more than he'd ever thought possible, a life lived with the man he loved. A life full of love and laughter and happiness. A life that he finally had, against all of the odds.

He'd never thought that he would be here, but now that he was, he knew that it was exactly where he belonged. And the happiness that he felt was overwhelming.

Was he going to cry at his own wedding?

That was a very distinct possibility, he told himself as he and Louis reached the altar and faced each other, the smiles on their faces almost identical.

The first day of the rest of his life. A life that was going to be .... incredible.

He gazed into Louis' dark eyes as the minister began the words of their wedding ceremony.

His wedding. _Their_ wedding.

Yes, he was indeed crying. Tears of pure, unadulterated joy.


	38. Paradise Is Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he waits for the wedding ceremony to start, Carl knows that he's exactly where he wants to be.

Carl cleared his throat nervously, tapping his foot.

He was waiting to walk down the aisle, to stand at the altar and start the ceremony. He was getting married. He and Louis would be wed within the next half hour.

It was still hard for him to believe that Louis had actually said yes. After years of being in love with this man, he was finally going to marry him. They would be a legal couple, and nothing would ever separate them again. It would be like paradise for both of them.

His paradise was waiting for him, just on the other side of that door; they would join hands and walk down the aisle together to begin the ceremony that would join them.

Everyone they knew was waiting for it all to start.

Their friends, their families, the people they worked with, everyone they cared for. They were all here, ready to share in the happiness that the two of them had.

It still seemed unbelievable to him that he should have found this kind of happiness. Before he and Louis had finally managed to reveal how the felt about each other, he hadn't known that he could be so happy. He'd thought happiness was only for other people, never for him.

Now he knew that wasn't true. All he needed to do was look into Louis' eyes, and see his smile, to feel pure, utter happiness taking over his soul.

He'd never thought that he could be in love like this, that paradise was waiting for him if he would only open his heart to it. He had never believed that paradise existed.

And now, through some miracle, he had found his paradise. The man he loved was his paradise; Louis was all that he had ever wanted or needed. He had tried to lose those feelings in other people, but he should have known that in the end, he would always come back to Louis.

This man was his present, and his future. Everything else was the past, a past that was over and done with. A past that had led him to where he was now.

He was exactly where he wanted to be. Where he _should_ be.

Soon, he and Louis would be married; they would be walking the opposite way down the aisle, still hand in hand -- as they would be forever more.

And strangely, he wasn't nervous. Not at all. Carl smiled, knowing that he couldn't hold back his happiness any longer. He felt as though the sun was pouring over him, around him, through him. He was following his heart for what felt like the first time in his life -- and he had no regrets.

When the door opened and Louis looked into the room, Carl moved forward to take the other man's hand, smiling at his love. Yes, this was exactly where he belonged.

Paradise was right here, hand in hand with him.


	39. The Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Carl's wedding is finally happening, and Louis couldn't be happier to be marrying the man he loves.

This was the day.

The day that all of his wishes came true, the day that his life fell into place. This was the day that he became the happiest man in the world.

This was the day that he was marrying the man he loved, Louis thought as he walked down the aisle with his hand in Carl's, unable to keep the smile from his face.

He knew that he was beaming, but he couldn't hold that smile back. He had never been so happy; he was sure that his heart was going to burst with that happiness, and that sunshine would flow out of him to envelop everyone who was here in this chapel in Paris.

The joy that he felt was pure and absolute, a joy that came from his very soul. He was marrying the person he'd always been meant to be with, and his life was complete.

He had dreamed of this day, but a part of him had never thought that it would happen. It almost didn't seem real now, even though it was taking place.

No, he couldn't say that. It _was_ real.

The two of them stopped in front of the altar, still holding hands, and turned towards the chaplain, who smiled at them and began the ceremony.

They had opted not to write their own vows; Carl had insisted that he didn't really have much of a way with words, and Louis liked the simplicity of a traditional ceremony.

Besides, he thought to himself as the chaplain started the ceremony, they knew what they felt in their hearts. Saying these vows was just a formality; what they felt needed no words. They could each see what they felt inside every time they gazed into each other's eyes.

He could see Carl's love for him reflected in those dark eyes every time his fiancé looked at him; he had no doubt that he was loved and cherished.

And he couldn't begin to put how he felt about Carl into words.

But those emotions were there in his heart and soul, and always would be. Carl was his rock, his anchor, the center of his world. Carl was his everything.

Carl was the man he intended to spend the rest of his life with, and beyond this life into any other realm that might come. They would always be together, from here on out.

His life's happiness was assured in this moment.

Louis turned to Carl when the chaplain quietly asked them if they had their rings; he pulled the simple gold band that he would slide onto Carl's finger out of his pocket.

He listened as Carl repeated the words after the chaplain of the simple marriage ceremony, and he could feel his eyes filling with tears of joy. Carl was pledging to love, honor and cherish him, and he would do the same. They would keep those vows, for all of eternity.

He couldn't imagine loving anyone else, not in the way that he loved Carl. This man owned his heart and soul, and always would, until time itself came to an end.

"I do," he said softly when the chaplain put the question to him as to whether he would take Carl Hickman as his lawfully wedded husband. "Oh, I do."

He could see the joy light up Carl's face when he spoke those two simple words.

And Louis knew that Carl's joy was reflected in his own face when he heard the man he loved say those two words. They meant the world to him; he loved how they sounded.

He would never forget Carl's voice saying those words, and knowing in that moment that his love meant those words with every fiber of his being.

Louis scarcely heard the next words that the chaplain uttered; he was almost holding his breath as he waited for the words that told him he could slip the gold band onto Carl's ring finger. That would seal their marriage; once they were wearing the rings, it would be _real_.

This _was_ real, he told himself as he took his love's hand, ready to slide the ring on. "With this ring, I thee wed," he repeated after the chaplain, his voice ringing out.

He had expected his voice to tremble, to falter, with all of the emotion that filled his heart. But it didn't; it was strong and firm, just like the love he felt.

He had to blink back tears again -- tears of pure happiness.

Carl did the same, taking his hand and sliding the ring onto his finger. Louis looked up at the man he loved, to see Carl gazing at him with such love that the tears almost overflowed.

But he managed to keep them back, instead giving the man who was becoming his husband a radiant smile, a smile that showed all the love that he felt inside.

"I now pronounce you married," the chaplain intoned, smiling at the two of them. "You may kiss your husband," he said, his smile growing wider. It was obvious that the man took pride in uniting couples in love, and Louis was once again thankful that they'd chose this chaplain, and this chapel.

Then a moment later, all he could think of was Carl, as his new husband swept him into those strong arms and kissed him passionately, dipping him slightly.

When he could think again, Louis could hear clapping and cheers from their friends; he looked out over the crowd of people as he and Carl held their entwined hands over their heads.

They were married now. Well and truly married.

He had never felt so happy in his life, or so fulfilled. He was exactly where he wanted to be, and he was now married to the only person he had ever truly wanted to be with.

Could happiness overflow from his heart into the hearts of those who were smiling at the two of them as they walked back down the aisle to the chapel door to go outside? Louis wasn't sure of that, but he could see that everyone there was happy for them, and that was a good feeling.

This was the best day of his life, Louis thought as they exited the building, walking out into the bright sunshine of a beautiful day. His wedding day.

He would remember this day, and these emotions, for the rest of his life.

He turned to Carl, standing at the top of the steps into the chapel and looking out at the city around them. They would make a home here, make a life together.

It was all he wanted, all that he could ask for. Their future stretched ahead of them, beautiful and glorious, full of light and love and hope.

It was all that anyone could want from their future.

Louis was ready to walk into that future with his arms and his heart wide open.


	40. A Dream of Perfection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl is sure that his honeymoon with Louis couldn't be more perfect.

Their honeymoon was like a dream come true.

Nothing could be better than this. No dream could be as great as reality was. 

Carl couldn't keep the smile from his face whenever he looked at his new husband; it didn't seem possible that he was actually married to Louis.

Marrying the man he loved had been a long-cherished dream, one that had stayed in his mind and his heart for years, even after they had gone their separate ways and Louis had married Rebecca. Now, that dream had finally come true for him.

How could it be possible to be so happy? this didn't really seem like _his_ life. It was almost as though it belonged to another person entirely.

But this _was_ his life now. His happiness.

He'd spent so long feeling that he would never be happy that he had simply accepted that as fact, and he almost hadn't reached out for what he wanted.

He had wasted far too much of his life believing that what he wanted with all of his heart and soul could never be. If only he had known sooner that Louis' marriage to Rebecca was failing, then maybe they could have become a couple far sooner than they had.

No, that wouldn't have happened, Carl told himself. Louis had been too focused on trying to make his first, dying marriage work. They couldn't have been together.

Now, though .... now, the past was firmly in the past, where it belonged, and the two of them could take their happiness with no regrets.

Being married to Louis was all that he'd ever wanted from life, ever since the two of them had first met. This was his idea of heaven; it was a dream of perfection, the only thing that he needed to make him happy, just knowing that Louis loved him and was his husband.

How could it be possible that he was actually living his dream? Never in a million years would he have thought that he could possibly be so happy.

And yet, he was. Dreams _did_ indeed come true. 

He looked over at his husband across the table of the restaurant they were sitting in, his handsome features limned in candlelight, a smile on his lips.

When Louis gazed into his eyes, Carl was sure that he could feel his heart stop. Just as it had all those years ago the first time Louis had smiled at him when they'd first met, and he had fallen head over heels in love without even realizing that he'd lost his heart.

"I love you," he whispered, reaching across the table to take Louis' hand, his heart swelling when his husband answered with those same words, his accented voice soft and loving.

Life didn't get any more perfect than this.

And Carl knew that the years ahead of them would only keep getting better.


	41. The Future Is Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis reflects on the future that he's sure is coming for himself and Carl as a married couple.

What would their future be like?

Louis stood on the balcony of the hotel room he and Carl were staying in during their honeymoon in the south of France, looking out over the sea.

The waves came in slowly, inevitably; he knew that those waves were like his life, the past, present and future all rolling together into one whole.

The tide went in and out, just like happiness. He'd had great happiness when he had married Rebecca; even though he had known that she wasn't the true love of his life, he had cared deeply for her, and through the ups and downs of their marriage, it had mostly been a good one.

Of course, when Etienne was born, there had been more happiness, though that had been cruelly ripped away from them with the little boy's death.

Louis looked up at the fluffy white clouds above, a soft smile on his face. Something told him that Etienne was looking down on him now, smiling and happy for him.

Marrying Carl was the best thing he'd ever done for himself.

He was happier than he could have ever imagined being; this marriage would be better than good. This time, he had married his true love, his soul mate.

He belonged with Carl, more than he ever had with Rebecca. And he was sure that she was also looking down on the two of them and smiling for how things had worked out. He knew that she wouldn't want him to grieve for her and Etienne, but to be happy and to get on with his life.

It had taken him long enough to do that, hadn't it? And now, he was moving towards his future, a future that rested with the man he loved.

He had never been so happy in his life, not even when Etienne was born.

Perhaps he and Carl would adopt a child someday, Louis though, a smile curving his lips. He would love to do that. But that was something for the future.

Even given the fact that they both worked at a dangerous job, he was sure that at some point, they would decide to adopt and have a family. Still, it was early days; this was only their honeymoon, and they had plenty of time to think about the future.

That future stretched out ahead of them in glorious technicolor, a future that he was sure would be full of love, laughter and happiness.

Of course, there would be dangerous times for both of them, as well. Louis knew that neither he nor Carl would give up working with the team.

They shouldn't have to. They both loved what they did for a living.

After all, it was a part of both of them -- and it was also how they had met. He couldn't imagine himself or Carl doing anything else, really. They would simply have to make their work a part of their life, as well as their family, when they decided to have one.

That _would_ happen, he assured himself. Carl might not have had children in the past, but Louis knew that he wanted them. They'd talked about it before.

Louis smiled at the thought of his husband holding a baby, a beatific smile on his face as he looked down at the child. He could just see that in his mind's eye.

Carl would be a wonderful father; he didn't doubt that for a moment. Any child would be lucky to grow up with him as a parent. And the baby would have a loving home, with two parents who would love and cherish it. He could definitely see that clearly in their future.

But again, the future was something that seemed far away at the moment.

But was it, really? he asked himself, the smile still on his lips. Every moment took him closer to that future, and he found that he wanted it to arrive sooner rather than later.

The future was coming upon them more quickly than he had realized it could. There was no need to wait too long for things that he had always wanted.

Raising a family with the man he had always loved was one of those things. Yes, they should give themselves a little time to get used ot being a married couple, but not too much time. After all, what was the use in waiting when they both knew just what they wanted?

There was no need to wait if they were both in agreement, Louis told himself. And he was sure that once they talked about it, Carl would feel just as he did.

They could start planning their future now.

It would be a glorious future, Louis told himself, his smile growing. He was married to the man he loved, and they could start a family. What could be better than that?

He turned his head as he heard Carl come up behind him, leaning back into his husband's embrace. Carl's warm arms wrapped around his waist, and he lowered his head to brush his lips across Louis' in a soft, gentle kiss. "Hi, baby," he murmured. "What are you thinking about?"

Louis looked out to the sea again, the smile still on his lips. "Us," he whispered. "Us, and our future together. The family we will have. The love we will share."

He glanced at Carl, to see his husband smiling and looking happy.

"We will," Carl said, his voice very soft and loving. "We'll have a lifetime of love and happiness ahead of us. And we'll raise a family. I've always wanted to have a kid."

Louis nodded, feeling a glow of warm happiness around his heart. He should have known that Carl would agree with him, that he wasn't just dreaming pipe dreams.

"I want another child," he said softly, looking up at his husband again. "No, not as a replacement for Etienne. I love being a father. And I believe that despite what we do for a living, we have a lot of love and advantages to give any child. We would be good parents."

Carl nodded, obviously in agreement with Louis' words. "I couldn't agree more. We've got a lot to give a child. I think we should look into adopting. Soon."

Now it was Louis' turn to nod. "Very soon, my love," he murmured, turning his head back to gaze at the sea again. "The future is coming more quickly than we might think."

"The future is here," Carl said, kissing his cheek. "And we're riding the tide."

"Yes, we are," Louis agreed, placing his hands over Carl's where they lay on his stomach and squeezing the other man's hands gently. "And it's going to be a wonderful ride."

"It is," Carl agreed with him, smiling as he squinted out at the waves lapping at the sand of the beach. "We should go for a walk on the beach, baby. I've been wanting to do that all day, and it's getting toward evening, so it's cool enough to do it without getting parched."

"That sounds like a marvelous idea," Louis said as they disentangled themselves from each other and headed back into their hotel suite hand in hand.

Walking on the beach. Such a small thing.

But it was something that he was sure they would do several times in the future -- the two of them, and at some point, they would also walk and play in the waves with their child.

It was a future that Louis looked forward to with every fiber of his being. Raising a family with the man he loved, in a circle of love and happiness.

He had finally found what he had always been looking for.

The future was coming, and it would upon them sooner than they might think.


	42. Paradise in His Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life with Carl might not always be paradise, but it's the only life that Louis wants.

Life wouldn't always be paradise, but that didn't matter.

Louis smiled as he turned to the hotel room, away from the window where he'd been looking out at the beach for the last time before they left.

They were returning to Paris this afternoon, to start their new life as a married couple. Their honeymoon had been paradise, but now, they had to return to the real world, and think about going back to work. They'd agreed that work would be a priority.

Neither of them wanted to leave the team, or stop what they were doing, even though they knew that the life they led was dangerous.

It was a part of them both, and they couldn't give it up.

The life they led was one that they had both worked hard for -- and it was a life that had brought them together, as well. Louis couldn't see either of them without it.

Their jobs didn't define who they were, but Louis knew that working in law enforcement was important to both Carl and himself. They had talked extensively about giving up that life, but they had come to the conclusion that something would be missing from their lives if they did.

So they were going to keep working with the team, even though they both knew that they would be putting their lives at risk with every new case.

Still, it was something that he and Carl didn't want to give up. They did some good in the world. They helped people. And in the end, that was the important thing.

They didn't have to give up their work to make their marriage work. They had both known that their work would be a constant in their lives when they had begun their relationship, and if they were lucky, working together would add to their relationship, not detract from it.

"Are you ready to go, babe?" Carl asked him, looking up from the suitcase he'd just closed and locked. "I love it here, but I'm ready to get back home."

Louis couldn't help but smile at the eagerness in his husband's voice.

"More than ready," he assured his husband, glancing at his watch to reassure himself that they weren't past their checkout time. "I want to get home to Paris."

"I can't wait to start our life together," Carl murmured, moving across the room and wrapping his arms around his husband's waist, pulling Louis close against him. "It's going to be a great life, Louis. Now that we have each other, I think we can do anything."

"Indeed we can, my love," Louis whispered, closing his eyes as his lips met Carl's for a passionate, steamy kiss that almost made him wish they could stay here longer.

That kiss told him that paradise wasn't found on a honeymoon in the tropics. 

Paradise was found right here in his husband's arms, no matter where they might be.

There was no other place he wanted to be.


End file.
